piped water tumbles around
stale fingers, men in fenced shirts, pass,
just out of sight.
Rolled sheets soften against skin’s
rub, tumble through lemon scented air,
colliding briefly with a dank assemblage
of their brethren; finally resting
on regular ceramics.
A blot picture reveals
the misaligned paisley fish tail;
equine steps echo as the greaseless
yawn of metal pulled and pushed
ends the procedure.
Author notes
I seem to write a fair bit of emotion related poetry, so thought I'd try a different topic.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Sort of a dictated feel to this: you sort of plugged in wrote what came...well, that's my impression, I might be very wrong, lol. I've written a lot of poems with that idea and they ended up a little like this. But yes, I like it.
Some nice play with your wording. You go for brevity, and try not to waste time on too many little words. "Skin's rub" is an interesting way of putting it. Also, "paisley fish tail" is great.
However, I find it a little bit impenetrable. Very nice series of images, but I'm missing a cohesive whole. Not that it NEEDS a cohesive whole, but sometimes a unifying thread (even a subtle one) can bring things together. But, regardless of what's going on, I like it.
Cheers,
Yossarian
EDIT: I'm such a loser. Now I get it! Ignore the stuff about it being impenetrable and dictated. This has a perfectly clear thread, and I'm too dense to get it.
Reading it again with the image in mind makes it even better...and now that I know what a paisley fish tail is, that image takes on new life.
Minor grammatical note: I don't think you need the comma before "pass".
Anyway, sorry for the mix up. This is great.
-- Y -
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Hi Yossarian,
Great to have you read this. I often write poems which ask the reader to spend some time ‘interpreting’, but it’s sometimes hard to balance on the line between obscure and cryptic. This site is particularly helpful in judging how far a poem can be pushed. Your comment is a great example.
I also like to read and write poems which take common themes or situations and describes them in a more unusual manner and which subtly offer double meanings to words or phrases. ‘Pass’ and both commas are an attempt to do this, separating it to add emphasis. The intention being it can be read as pass – ‘to pass by’ or pass – ‘to excrete waste’ - a view, if you like, from either side of the toilet door.
Thanks for spending some time with this and for offering such a candid comment.
Rgds
hobby
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No problem. I know what you mean about that line between cryptic and obscure. It's a difficult one to straddle.
Now that you explain it, the comma definitely works. It also evokes "piss", come to think of it. : )
Cheers,
Yossarian
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This is quirky and fun to read, hobby.
Yep, taking a piss in the ambience of a public wc has all kinds of strange connotations - "sheets...tumble through lemon-scented air" is perfect for the oddities of a men's room. And "misaligned paisley fish tail" as an image of the mess is mordant as hell. Good write. I think the site needs more of this kind of droll observation of less-than-lovely situations; they're small, real epiphanies of things that poets usually ignore as not noteworthy. As usual, you zero in on your subject keenly and off-handedly.
Just a minor thought: horses' hooves and yawns don't quite adhere together for me. Would equine "rumbles" or some such be better? Up to you.
I like this one. Sort of relatedly, it makes me recall the old adage: No matter how you shake and prance, the last few drops go down your pants. Now, that's poetry!!
Lad -
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Thanks Lad,
Ha ha - I'd never actually heard that saying before!.
I'll think over your recommendation for equine steps. I had intended this as the 'clip clop' of brogues or other such shoes one would wear with attire in keeping with 'fenced shirts', the 'yawn' being the sound an un-lubricated hinge mechanism of restroom door - squeaks fast when pulled open then 'yawns' closed against the pneumatic cylinder.
Thanks for your attention, pleased you enjoyed it!
rgds
hobby
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Oh yeh, I got those images of old plumbing...
...clunking - a tribute to your skilled writing. But now that you've explained the equine part as shoe-shuffling, the poem is even more clever. Nice job.
Lad
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Sounds like...
escaped inmates stole your laundry.
Am I close?
Al -
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'fenced shirts' right? - nah. 'fenced' replaces the more mundane pinstripe
In the title, I was always told that any thing more than two shakes was considered a w*nk -: two shakes, teeth (zipper) engage and red (hot) is pushed down sending ...
so ehh yeah, its about finishing off a p*ss.
Thanks for reading.
rgds
hobby
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That's kinda funny.
Now...wouldn't I have felt silly if I had made this all deep and stuff when really it was just about you putting your weiner back in your pants? The humor is not lost and this is strangely ironic in the way it pokes fun at the whole poetic deep-thinking thing. That's funny. A little bit of funny ha-ha and a little bit of funny strange.
Al
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Hey hobby,
It is a well written poem but I don’t understand it, sorry. They should introduce a hint button on this site!
Bill
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Hi Bill,
Thanks for reading, yes - that button may help!.
I'll hold on posting an explination just yet and see if any other feedback comes in.
Thanks again - always a pleasure to have you read and for your honest feedback.
rgds
hobby
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