We ate edamame,
nestling our skins in pools
of salt and spit, sometimes
sucking them--discarded
saline corsets--hoping
for meat we might've missed.
So when you shucked them in
the trash with an offhand
gesture, nothing remained
but the memory of two
empty bowls, incised to
match chapped lips singeing from
the monosyllabic
tang of every pod I'd licked.
Author notes
I was eating edamame beans* with a female friend of mine the other day and the image of discarded bean skins floating in salty spit made me think of a sexual relationship that's abandoned (perhaps coldly) by one of the participants.
A kind of William Carlos Williams pastiche (at the very least it's a "domestic confessional"; see "This is Just to Say", by W.C.W.) but the meaning is intended to be more direct than the poetry of Williams and poets of similar styles...albeit in metaphorical form.
This started as a free verse, but after completing it I played around with a constraint in order to pare down the language (and give it a nicer visual quality). The form is in tercets of six syllables per line (except the last stanza, which is a couplet and ends with a seven syllable line).
...and because it has 14 lines (and a sestet and an octet if you squint a little...and a volta) we'll call it a sonnet for shits and giggles.
Also, "the monosyllabic" is apparently an old euphemism. Just thought I'd put that out there...
I'm not sure about the title. It's functional, but it doesn't quite capture the right tone. Suggestions? Or should I leave as is?
Whatever. You like?
Cheers,
Y
* "Edamame beans" (the name is Japanese) are a soy bean you eat by salting and biting/sucking them out of their pods. In that order. I recommend them, very tasty! And good for you, for those of you who are health conscious.
Written May 5, 2007
Thoughts? Critiques?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Salt and spit doesn't strike me as erotic...
but, hey, neither do gerbils and granola, but some folks are into it. Really gritty, tangy, visceral read. I like your use of imagery, "discarded/saline corsets" is simply fine. "Shucked," "sucking," great use of rhyme without overdoing it.
The only thing I'd change is "monosyllabic." The rest of the poem is so economical. Coming across this word is like hitting a deer on an otherwise pleasant trip. -
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True, but "monosyllabic" has a slightly...deeper meaning.
Emphasis on the "labic"
; )
-Y
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Very erotic
I liked teh tone and the way the verses were set out. The wording and descriptions are very erotic and the tone also adds to the 'heat' of it. The throwing away of the seeds after sucking the 'meat' out of it is clearly symbolic of a relationship with nothing left in it to keep you interested.
Regarding the title, you could have kept it as 'Edamame seeds'. By using the word blues I suppose you are conveying the fact that you are wistful and sorrowful about the loss of the discarded relationship. You know that you are enjoying the 'fruit' now and will discard it once all the juice is gone. You could have kept the title or used the one I suggested? Loved it.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 5.
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hey i am new her e
i got to hand it to you this is so good i liked the description and images in it yayness its so coool
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Nice one
Hi there,
(First comment so sorry for the roughness of my text, and on that note I guess this comment doesn't mean much?)Thoroughly enjoyed the poem, and the odd topic for the sexual relationship works really well. I especially loved the "suckling...saline corsets". Very vivid, and rather disturbing all the same. Nice one.
J -
I have always enjoyed the imagery
present in your verse. Every line pops with a distinct taste and style all your own. Your poetry is more like an experience than an event. I always "feel" your words. That is the power in writing, to evoke empathic feeling from the reader.
I felt your longing for more and your bitterness for being left with less by one less caring. I think I got you here. As always, nice work. There seems an air of sophistication without putting on airs. I like that.
Al
p.s. I know you just gave me a favorable review. This is not reciprocal glad-handing. If I didn't like your stuff I wouldn't have come here, and if I didn't like this poem I would have told you. I really do like your work and you can take that to the bank. I hate reciprocal glad-handing and should like a good whupping if ever found guilty of such. But thank you for your kind review.
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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I think you nailed it on the head about "longing for more" and having "bitterness for being left with less by one less caring." That's very much the thesis of the poem, and I'm pleased you got it.
And no worries about glad-handing, sir. I didn't think you were. I know, I find glad-handing (good word for it) just as scummy.
Cheers,
Y
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Sexy pot of podded beans, Y.
A gem of terce but accessible writing. I do like. Never seen or heard "pod" used for the mons veneris - nifty shifting there!
The metered and lined labor in this is stunning - glad you alerted us to your intentions of form. Yet the hard work in it is nicely hidden under fine style. You're right, this goes past Williams with its directness...and its eroticism. Those "empty bowls" are a perfect choice for a relationship gone away; but then attaching them to "chapped lips" and "tang" is rich. This thing is loaded with implications!!
You're right: a slight blink of the eye is needed to call this a sonnet, but only a very slight blink. It has all the elements of a good sonnet, including the volta, rarely used these days, and nice to see.
Ah well, we're poets, no? If we want a piece to be a sonnet, it's a sonnet. (Wallace Stevens: "If I want a tiger to be green, it's green!") Oh yeh, I know, a sonnet should have a strong connection to its classical roots - well, Yossarian, yours here does, and in spades.
Lad
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yes I like it... a lot
Hi,
A truly good effort on form and content.
It's always a pleasure to read a different take on more common subjects. The conceit for a discarded relationship is consistent throughout, the end is perfect for the for a non-mutual separation.
Thanks for the opportunity to read and comment.
rgds
hobby
Just as a foot note the final line would work on a more universal basis by the omission of 'I' - it would also pair the line to six syllables?
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That's a good idea. Yes...
I think I'll do that!
Cheers,
Y
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