You dye your hair to strip off sable stripes
like so many prison breaks.
Stepping from the shower,
leopard spots are drooling down your breasts
and I cannot blame the bottle for spilling.
You ask me, "How's it look?"
So I comment
on how pleasant
the dye has waved your bangs in that
crustacean sort of whirl.
"I dig the ocean style."
Actually,
it's more a sundae than a hermit crab.
I'd lick ice cream over mermaids any day.
Author notes
The meaning is pretty self-evident, I think (?) so I'll keep this short. Just loved the image of a beautiful woman (well, any of the beautiful women *I* know, [cough]) stepping from the shower after having made a mess with her bottle of hair dye.
Interesting evolution here. The first line was part of another poem that was never really finished (or at least never satisfied me). I recently had to do an assignment for a poetry class in university, and I turned the opening stanza into the beginning of a seven section Imagist poem (think Ezra Pound style). Anyway, it didn't get a great mark, and I pared it down from seven short sections to four even shorter stanzas.
What sayest thou?
-- Y
Thoughts?
Comments
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Too cute...
I love how this one goes. The topic is original. Most of us would write about love - generally, one wouldn't think of these small bits of it, and it's admirable when you go to the details, and then make it big....like dying of hair -- beautiful woman -- love... LOL!
I like the images - "sable strips, leopard spots, crustacean sort of whirl, ocean style, sundae"....etc....These are the things you can see and imagine and feel -- and they are best used here.
Nice job!
Lynne
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I really like this. The poem itself is relaxing, like milling over a happy and unimportant question. It's vivid and clever. I loved that you used the word "drooling" line 4. It adds a lot to the poem for some reason, its unexpected and... lazy? Oh and I'm a huge fan of yours, Mr.Bogart. Loved casablanca.
Anyway, thanks for posting.
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Hi, Y. I really love this piece. I love poems that are like snapshots-- the woman emerging from the water spotted with dye is a striking one.
I don't speak Italian, but a few people on here do, so they may have some opinion as to the accuracy of the title-- but I like it. It caught my eye-- I thought, "Siren vs. Ice Cream"? Definitely not something you see every day, and I find it even more clever after having read the poem itself.
I like how you kept a water motif-- the shower, drool, crustaceans, mermaids. The shift at the last two lines makes it playful, in keeping with the title.
I have one nitpick-- the second line, "like so many prison breaks" sort of gave me the impression that the poem would be somber-- a critique possibly on how women feel the need to mess with their natural beauty. I was pleasantly surprised to find the subject and tone were quite different, but I wonder if there's some other way to describe those striped-dye jobs? Just a small thing.
My favorite lines, though, besides the ending, was
"leopard spots are drooling down your breasts
and I cannot blame the bottle for spilling."
Sly and sensual. Good stuff.
I hope to see you around more!
Pie
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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