He has such shoes.
I stare at them every week
as they sit, placid
beneath the table
tucked under his knees.
I know his shoes so well,
I could pick them out
of a police line up.
Their navy blue fabric
gleaming darkly.
Their white stitching
running like paint drops
down the sides.
Pristine white laces
pulled neatly through
shiny silver thread holes.
Carefully tied, once, then twice
and pulled so each loop
is the same length.
White rubber soles
and a white toe
so carefully cleaned of dirt
and scuffs.
Starchy clean,
an unnoticed smudge
near the heel.
that squeaks on the lino
when he turns.
I am captured, as if
you’ve walked across
my wet ink,
and dragged it
out of the door
down the hallway,
leaving too large footprints
on the carpet.
I am at the mercy of these shoes.
They are the kind of shoes
he holds clear of the sea on the beach
or moves to avoid puddles in the road.
I stare at his shoes
each week, in class
because I cannot look at him.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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excellent job on the descriptivness here. I never expected the ending that was. The imaginary in this poem was pulled together beautifully :-)
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 4.
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awww
this is wonderful write, silver -- I like it!
I love the vivid images -- I even checked my shoes to compare the laces and the holes, lol!
And the ending --- awww, I can see a girl's blush with it. Much like me, when i was younger... ewww.
A really good one, silver -- the short lines work and the flow is smooth.
cheers!
LYNNE
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I really like this Silver. The imagery is amazing. Imagery can be hard to come up with and you just never ran out of it as you wrote this. I love the last line - I think it's a powerful one. You don't realize until the end what the poem is really about. It reminds me of having a crush on someone at the office and not being able to look him straight in the eye when he's talking to you. Infatuation. Something everyone experiences in life and can relate to. I wouldn't change anything. I think it flows very smoothly and the format is great.
Great job!
xxxxLisa
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Silver Stalker! ....
....tracks her walker. Hey Nemesis, you really are full of surprises. I like that and I like this poem. For some reason the opening line really nailed the mood of fascination that flows through the rest of it. Attention to detail is the key here, revealing as it does the OTT nature of the poet's interest and holding the reader's! If you don't mind me saying so, these shoes seem to belong to a rather anal character and why you would be fascinated by him beats me - but to each his own! (Not like me to discuss subject like that but I can't resist yanking your chain when the opportunity arises - though why I bother beats me, you never reply to comment anyway!)
I particularly liked the idea of his too-tidy shoes dragging your ink onto the carpet and making a mess (the ink metaphor is one all but the best poets tend to underuse) but I also find the 'too' large footprints a little 'too' ambiguous to no good end and it's distracting. Also ' blue fabric 'gleaming' darkly ' seemed a little oxymoronic.
Great last line. Good poem. Good luck! >W<
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I do so reply to comments!
Funnily enough, my friend did wonder why I weas staring at his shoes in creative writing class. I'll tell him you thought him "anal!" He's banal certainly! Thankyou for the critique
I am as always in your debt!
La Silver Servent
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I never thought a poem about shoes could be so brilliant. Especially men's shoes! You create such a vivid picture that I believe I could pick those shoes out of a police line-up myself. My favourite lines are 17-19:
Carefully tied, once, then twice
and pulled so each loop
is the same length.
There's just something very intimate about it. I thought the ending was perfect as it revealed so much about why the narrator was focussing on his shoes.
The only thing I can suggest in terms of alteration is the possibility of a typo on line 35. Did you mean 'two' instead of 'too'?
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