Passing a thatched cottage, a pigeon’s coo echoes around fir tops
descending to street level where it fades in lieu of laughter.
Two girls jockey a colorful plastic ball back and forth
while a younger boy does circuits between them, arms whaling
in a vain attempt to send one of the girls
to be piggy in the middle.
On my left there is a semi circular alcove
of around nine houses separated
from the main street by a low hedge lined crescent lawn,
a communal space where the relics of forts
fashioned from the first cut of grass
lie to ruin.
The battling eight year olds now replenish
spent energy, gulping at orange squash and snatching
tomato sauce flavored slices
of thinly cut potato
from packaged for one foil bags.
A teenage couple meander past, each on bicycles,
riding in parallel and hand in hand,
while under shade of spring greenery
a caterpillar arches his way through the day.
And I suddenly realize I am mistaking
nostalgia for sadness
I see these things only
because I am now a stranger.
Sp next to the caterpillar I collect a single stem
of a just past bloom dandelion.
I blow its cloudy crown
releasing the reserves of my youth to the wind
and I wish.
Author notes
I've read quite a few narrative style poems recently and decided to try one, they are great to write.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
This appealed to me immediately when I read "thatched cottage" as I am a hopeless Anglophile! Now, on to the review ... this is a nostalgic write and you've afforded your reader clear and vivid images to absorb. However, your message is still a bit obscure, in my humble opinion. You have some brilliant lines and one, in particular, that I am partial to: "a caterpillar arches his way through the day" ... bravo on that visual! This offers a colorful glimpse into an ordinary but wonderful day in a small community with adults and children at play. I would like to feel more of what the narrator is feeling as he witnesses these fine things. It could exude a bit more emotion. Descriptively, I think it is superior and I very much enjoyed this read. I hope this has been helpful!
Best,
Celticdreamz
-
-
Hi,
Firstly apologies for the late reply - work seems to engulf more and more time these days.
Yes indeed your review is helpful, I have been working on a revision and your comment reinforces the need to showcase the message of the poem with more clarity.
Hopefully, time permitting, I will draft something I am happy with in the near future.
Thank you for both the read and the critique.
Rgds
hobby
-
-
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
This one felt better after a few reads Hobby, which tells me it needs tweaking somehow because the message isn't coming straight off the page.
It opens strongly, the imagery dropping us into the scene you're setting the same way gantry cameras often do at the start of a movie. Nice touch.
But it immediately stumbles at the start of stanza two, the description of the housing estate coming across as far too prosaic. It is also unneccessary. You could easily drop lines 7,8 and 9 for a two letter word - 'on'. Sorry, but the laboured and almost cryptic description of crisps didn't work for me either.
Line 21 about the caterpillar however, was a honey.
The nub of the poem comes in lines 22 to 25. It's a good nub and brings what has gone before to new life and significance. I think I'd like you to make it clearer that youth (as opposed to play, community, wildlife) is the thing you feel a stranger to. Then the last stanza rounds it off nicely.
Nice idea and some great imagery, but I think it needs some work. >W< -
-
Hi,
Thanks, I see your points, especially on the crisps and the clarity of youth being the stranger. Indeed the housing estate could perhaps be removed entirely. I am partial to retaining it - its description is literal but I had hoped that the main road and the houses (adult domains) would help create the image of this little area of grass being fantasy world for children; today, because the grass was newly mown it's a fort – but it clearly needs work. Thanks again for your keen eye and observance of the revision areas.
Rgds
hobby
-
-
You're welcome.
Hyphens. I like your omission of them where more standard grammar would be required; I see six such places. My question was, why then the hyphens for "packaged for one..."? Why not drop those too? for consistency; they stick out for no reason I can see. As to the hyphens for "eight-year-olds" - to pick up a singleness, I think would be asking hyphens to do more than they can. That's why I like the syntax as you already have it; the single-mindedness comes across already.
And...for chrissakes, hobby, you eedjit!!, the bloody word is "lieu" not "liue". (How's that for brutal?)
Nah. Brutal's not my ordinary style, although you should see the five or so comments I've made to poems over the last six months; talk about mean-as-hell. I'll stay with the mostly soft-spoken criticisms. Untalented poets will ignore them; talented ones will get the point. I think: who am I to charge in nastily on an awkward phrase or misplaced word in a poem I generally think is good? My own poems often have unintentional clunks, and you and Windhover are about the only ones to say so directly. Most others either don't see them, or do see them and don't bother to take the time to criticize. And so it goes...
Thanks, hobby, for the compliment inside the suggestion. Nice to hear. Now, make a goddam decision about those pesky hyphens already.
Lad -
-
eedjit - what a great word.
Often used where I come from but seldom heard where I am now - and what can I say.. I asked for it!!.
Thanks for re-visiting - sorted the sp and plumped for the option with hyphens.
cheers
hobby
-
-
An amiable amble, hobby.
Except for the caterpillaric poet, blowing away seeds of youth, and wishing - will the caterpillar lose its youth to something new and fly? I like the subtlety of that, the sad yearning. Placing all the impressions in open walking form reminds me of a Seurat painting. Vivid. Or a 3-minute-short movie, in color - sepia.
I felt that word "stranger" keenly, as I often feel the same more and more these days, as hormonal and emotional energies slow to fade. This speaks to me, gently.
I like what appear to be your deliberate omissions of hyphens throughout the poem (hedge-lined, semi-circular, eight-year-olds and so on); they emphasize, for me, the openness of the walk. So I wonder at line 17's "packaged-for-one" - hyphens purposely present there?
Line 2's "lue" - I think you want "lieu" ??
Line 22's "I see these things only..." - better ??
Fine read for me, hobby. It takes its time, pondering slow - perfect for the poem's title and theme - and the poet himself as subject. Going slower is pleasant in its way, but sad, too. Yet, caperpillars move slowly in their youth, and what then may come later?
Lad
-
-
Thanks Lad,
This style of writing is new for me but I’m pleased that the central aspect held fast: the feeling of being a stranger in surroundings considered home. You have zeroed in on the area which I feel may require the most revision; the closing. I want to express the shedding of the clinging history the protagonist carries, the sadness of no longer belonging, the setting free of his trappings and returning to the wistfulness of his youth. I feel it needs to tie into ‘caterpillar’ precisely for the reason you expressed, the connotation of a re-birth.
Thank you for catches on both 2 & 24, revisions have been made, I see your point on l17. Given the context of 8 year olds, do the hyphens illustrate the single (minded) ness of children a more restricted perspective? Is that too much of a stretch for this poem?
Lad, I noted on a comment recently that a fellow poet, while respecting your diplomacy, asked you to be a little more ‘brutal’ in your criticism, I echo that sentiment as I know there is a lot to be gained from your input, even (especially) on experimental pieces such as this.
Respectfully
hobby.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
