How I ache for the sake of your touch, (Like a flower waiting for the glow of the sun),
And I long for your breadth in my ear, (breeze to ease my suffering),
I care not for the diamonds you promise me (no money would apease me,
or the tender caress of a future in your arms (you have a forever committment already),
I simply bask in the happiness of today (I cannot hope for more),
I adore you, I am your melancholic slave
I abhor you, look what you have done to me.
I wish you close and away ( I hate and love you my sweet one),
I cherish every hour, count every moment till you say my name.
We are never going to be picture perfect or free
Never going to share forever,
But I will praise the Lord for what I have and while away the lonely hours.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
hey adore
like they theres a thin line between love and hate. i ike that this paints the whole picture that every relatshonship is flawed any real one at least. also i like that you appreciate the relatshonship in real time. i've had a lot of relatshonships ruined (that were great) because their was the element of if this isn't leading to a committmet whats the point? whats the point, everything you mention.
dave -
has potential.
there is something very poignant about your poem. i love how it speaks to my heart. makes me remember of what i once had. a beautiful love that could never be.
the style that you are opting to use in this poem is quite refreshing and it really will work if you will work on your punctuations. try to go over your poem and make some necessary revisions. for sure, you will see them once you read this again.
if you want more in-depth notes, you could drop me a line if you want.
thanks for commenting on my work.language: 3, rhythm: 2, subject: 4, tone: 2, form: 3.
Adding your comment:
