We come from Different lands, across the world to find each other
You say tomato and I say tomato and we cross the line a hundred times
You know mine dont like you because your skin is pale and yours don't understand my name
I care not for the views of others especially when you're inside
My phyche, my body, and my heart
Is just for you,
I don't care about the waves in your hair or the way you cook meat (medium rare)
All I know is what i feel,
And the sound of you just because.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Soft-spoken but defiant.
Hi, adorasmum. This lovely poem is, for me, a modern meditation in the key of Romeo and Juliet: two lovers, each from intolerant families. I like your take on that old problem that young lovers often face.
The bits of characterization in the poem (his white skin, how he prepares food, his hair, your family's dislike of him, and so on) are just enough for me to "get the picture". And the erotic lines 4-5 are also just enough to see the depth of your passion for him. Good poem.
I think you want "psyche" for "phyche", and a period after "inside" ?? Other than that, there is utterly no confusion in the poem. I understand it well - you've written it well.
Just one more minor thought: the different pronunciations of "tomato" might be made with a bit more wit by deliberately spelling one of those "tomato" words as "tomahto", if that's what you're after there.
Good read for me. Restrained and classy.
Lad -
This poem has potential. The first line makes me imagine something epic and something old. Ancient explorers sailing into the unknown and meeting new cultures. 'Across the world to find each other' is also very romantic. The poem seems to explore the culture clash and problems faced by two lovers from different worlds. Line 7 is nice in its little details and the bracketed (medium rare) However I do find this poem confusing and bits do puzzle me, line 3 particularly. Should it be You know mine dont you because your skin is pale but you don't understand my name? Also what line is crossed? It isn't made clear. I would also suggest thinking about the structure and layout of the poem. It should make the poem easier to read and understand. Below is a suggested layout:
We come from Different lands,
across the world to find each other.
You say tomato, I say tomato
and we cross the line a hundred times.
You know mine dont you
because your skin is pale
but you don't understand my name.
I care not for the views of others
especially when you're inside.
My psyche, my body, and my heart
Is just for you.
I don't care about the waves in your hair
or the way you cook meat
(medium rare).
All I know is what I feel,
And the sound of you just because.
Anyway I hope I've given you some food for thought
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