They pushed her
I saw them do it
I saw the hands creep closer and the feet slowly fall
I saw the body creeping lower
Falling towards the ground
I saw them standing still
Watching her smash to the ground
They didn’t laugh
They didn’t cry
They didn’t make a sound
But I saw them, I saw them
Push her to the ground.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
I llike the flow and rythm, plus it has a creepy sense to it. Like you watching a murder.
It seems deep like you watching them weaken a girl and just crumble her through more than just physical enteractions.
Great job,
ASh -
Well written. The only thing I didnt like was the constant use of the phrase 'I saw..' Apart from that I liked the tone and flow of words. It calls to my mind an abundance of different images: a playground, with bullies, or being pushed over the edge. The fact taht the watcher does nothing but see the crime being committed. Strong poetry makes you think of many things rather than just one thought. I liked it, I think you ended it at the right time and left us reeling from this 'crime'.
Very solid writing.language: 2, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
-
-
Thanks,
I'm glad you liked it. I've had a couple people who arent too sure about this one and I myself was experimenting with it.
-Colin
-
-
Good one, for me, Colin.
I like your voice coming through on this one, C. I mean, you have a sure talent for poetic "snapshots" - the vision that comes quick in the blink of an eye.
Like a snapshot, it has immediacy, stark sight, pointed clean and clear of clutter. That kind of poem is not easy to execute; most poets, understandably, want to color up the blink, extend it, metaphor it - that's ok, but those poems, gaining atmosphere, lose their sharp power.
You never mentioned that you might be a photographer as well as a poet. Maybe yes or no. But this one shines with a photographer's eye - amoral (that's a compliment), objective, plain, and yet moving.
Really enjoyable!
Your pal,
with love,
Lad -
-
Thanks Lad, I'm glad you like this one. I wasnt too sure about it when I wrote it. I actually love taking photographs of things and playing with angles and light, but I dont have a camera thats really good for the kind of pictures I would love to take. It's amazing how much you can find out about a poet just through their poetry.
Love your friend,
-Colin
-
-
Very interesting Colin. This--if read right--could be extremely deep and introspective. I mean, it could be that they're pushing her down because "they" (whoever they are) are oppressing her. Or that she deserved it and they are getting a vengeance which is not bringing them any kind of satisfaction (thus the blank faces). Or that they are totally outside of their rights in touching this innocent and the narrator is ashamed that they did nothing to help. So many interpretations in such a short poem! I love that it leaves that room for freedom in thought.
I thought when you mentioned rhyming it would be a strict format with meter and...etc. But the way it is now is far more subtle and I think a better fit for the subject matter. There are some nice inner rhymes playing throughout it and the natural syllable count you got in the first three lines was great.
Good job, Colin, this is intriguing. Definitely food for thought!
Nienna
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
