I opened your heart and all the ills of humanity poured out,
A poet, you filled our love with gloom,
Wrote me tales of heart wrenching addiction,
You spun dreams of a future, a family, fidelity,
You sang songs of forever,
Drank in my spirit, good and bad, you embraced me.
At first your love was a gift,
A golden goose, a rose without thorns,
But soon I saw Hades in your eyes,
Your lovely kisses became rapes contrasting my soft caresses.
I worried and I protested.
You won me back with your charm.
I wished you away.
I wished away your dark destruction.
Your eyes followed my every waking second,you stalked me,
Your depth, like oceans, and seas,
Drowned me.
I fled during the night to escape.
Pandora's box, you claimed I freed you
But I fact I let loose a curse,
I wish you would disappear,
I dread you,
You scornful thing.
I watch you drift away and I feel nothing.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I guess you too...
have had a brush with the mad... this makes me think of my own sad hopes and self-delusion in loving someone who is not able to love. Your language here is wide-ranging, deep and full of power: big images - depth like the ocean, and seas; fleeing at night- a fearful drama; kisses that became rapes; "dread" of a "scornful thing". Very moving. Very sad, too, and rhythmic and driving too. I like this the best of all i have so far read of yours but there is a thread of darkness through the light of others I like very much.
A very satisfying read. -
Wow. A very powerful piece. I love the way the mythology is woven into the personal story. The first stanza is my favorite, but it's hard to pick one.
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It's been said before that the opposite of love is indifference, and most of all I think you captured that with this poem. The first line of the second stanza presents love, and the last line says "I watch you drift away and I feel nothing." What an artful way to show the full circularity of the relationship.
I love the stark contrast in these two lines, as well: "I worried and I protested. / You won me back with your charm. " So many times, poets will try and link lines like these together with a "Then" or something of the like, but I think this is a much more effective way--it just kind of lets the two statements slap you in the face with equal emphasis.
Nicely done!
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Seems that the poet is well rid of the jerkoff.
This poem's heightened language of rejection, adorasmum, is a good read for me; it calls up those few times when I had to throw out an opened Pandora's Box from my life - those depression- (and sometomes drug-) addicts whose vision of me and the world is as bleak as the Hades in your poem.
I like personalized poems like this one, shrugging off a pestilent "scornful thing." Good poem! And my favorite line: "You sang songs of forever..." Anyone who does that kind of singing is another usual suspect and deserves to be "disappear"ed.
Enjoyable anger in this one, adorasmum, done up in a disciplined yet strong style.
Lad -
like a velvet touch
on steel...
This has a soft, tender hurt to it that belies the sharp indignation beneath it all. To speak hurt and anger to another and be heard through it all is a task, but you grasp the attention of your betrayer with soft words of worlds lost due to his carelessness. I imagine the intended reader could not help but read on, led on by the vanity of what he was only to find what he wasn't. As a lament, this is very effective at reaching the reader without being too strong. Sometimes, the most powerful words are spoken softly, quietly; like the tone of this poem.
You created an atmosphere with this, one that invites the reader to feel your pain. I felt it and so I feel this a very successful poetic endeavor. I thought this was very good.
Al
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Cathartic
Forgive me if I'm wrong but this one reads like real life and an excercise in cathartic writing which can often be interesting only to the writer. Not so here, as you give us ring-side seats for the blow-by-blow rise and fall of a relationship, an unhealthy one but perhaps a more powerful one for that reason. Such glimpses of the human condition are rarely so succinctly portrayed in my experience. Your poem has a no-nonsense yet poetic backbone and I felt you let the reader into your world of conflict and passion / conflicted passion without becoming maudlin or melodramatic - a considerable accomplishment. Excellent write and ( I never say this ) thank you for sharing - really. >W<
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Thank you for your comments and praise.
As someone who likes your stuff, it is nice to hear what you have to say about this poem. Thankfully my current relationship is nothing like that.
Thanks very much againX
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Hey
A very powerful poem filled with good imagery and metaphors. Definitely your best write so far.
Bill
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whoa
I hesitate to call the poem beautiful just because there is so much anger, violence, and hurt in it... but it is beautifully conveyed. I particularly like your metaphor with Pandora's box, and adding in the reference to Hades was a good allusion. Very cleverly written, and it definitely conveys a strong tone!
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 3.
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