My words mingle with my thoughts,
As I impassively stare at the very
Distant destination I'd long sought.
My soul wrapped in a sheet of fury.
A new sun had smiled down on me
Everyday, for the past eighty springs.
But I, trapped in vanity, failed to see
The beauty of life spreading its wings.
I'd like to believe in a promising future
And forget the dark shadow of the past,
But the lamp of obscurity that I nurtured
So long, refrains from dying out so fast.
Oh for the few moments I'd been sane!
Oh for the warmth of love I did hate!
But now my hopes are all in vain
For I realized it just a little too late.
The essence of life is pleasantly bitter,
Sprinkled with both success and failure.
I've realized it when it's time I wither;
Leaving in me, a painful regret to endure...
Author notes
My first try at the abab ryhming pattern.. and also at a positive theme..
All suggestions are welcomed!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Great start on classic rhyming!
I like the rhymes in this one, barenya - you're off and running. Natural rhyming is not easy to do, to get them to sound fresh - lots of deleting or erasing in the process! But your rhyming here pleases my ears.
And your message has a bittersweet quality to it: how late can it be before we realize life's wonders, before it's TOO late? Strong thoughts for such a young poet.
Good one. I'd say keep doing different rhyme schemes, and you'll be learning one of the basic crafts of good poetry; don't give up. I don't think you WILL give up; you like doing this too much! Good for you, b.
Lad -
Essence of life.. reading this has got me thinking about life...
13 year old?? You have the potential to become a great poet. You have great thoughts that you can pen down with so many emotions that one is left speechless. Life gives u a second chance.. DO NOT HOLD YOURSELF BACK - Give it your all!! Way to go!!
Love...language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 3.
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Very pleasant read
I like the form and tone of the poem, discussing both regret and realisation that life is beautiful (albeit realising it too late).
Very beautiful poem. Loved it.
language: 4, rhythm: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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marvelous !
you surprise me with every poem... I can hardly believe that you are a 13 year old... what makes you write like this little?
The very first stanza of this poem has left me speechless
In all your poems the sun smiles and the dark clouds cover it... Little please remember that the clouds come because you allow them to.... dnt allow the clouds in your mind to cover the beautiful sun....
take care
Travellerlanguage: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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YAY !!!
Finally sumthing a lil 'happier' from u sis, lolz ... This is really good. Good description of this wonderful 'gift' which we have recieved, its really too precious to waste ... good 2 know u realised it ... also once remember u had called me a dictionary ... well join the club
- Abhi
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Lolz!!
Thanks bro!
Dctionary! - nopzz! this poem was damn simple for sure!
Thanks.. thanks.. thanks a million!
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no probs sis ... but yeah my poem was simple too "Essence Of Hope" ... and datz what a dictionary does ... simplifies words
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