He caressed my peace of mind and told me that he loved me so much,
My roses bloomed and he all too happily borrowed petals for the summer,
He held my hand, while we ran through forests of youth and sipped the wine of time while it was sweet.
I can smell the grass when he sucked on my bottom lip,
His breath smelled like cake and carisma,
He snuck champayne and whispered my name in my hair, telling me about myself,
burying his other woman in an afterthought.
He carressed my stupidity and loved me up so much.
I wilted in the light of day when he told me that his future was close by.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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this is a 5 second scene in a movie
I can see everything very clearly here. It is almost a poem already. My favorite lines are "I can smell the grass when he sucked on my bottom lip,
His breath smelled like cake and carisma,"
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Terrific.
Really splendid free-writing here, A. I like its flow, its color, its metaphors and images, but most of all I like those double-entendres: petals and grass! They all make for a dreamy, though sad, remembrance of things past. Nice writing.
I wonder if that last line might be rewritten? It seems, to me at least, to fall flat after such a buildup from the rest of this very moving and tender poem. I hate, really, to do this, but here's my suggestion there - a suggestion only:
I wilted in the light of day
when he finally confessed to me
that his future was close by.
Just a thought, A - it might end the poem with shorter, more regularly metered lines: sort of like a punch at the end, which it was to you!!
Cheers, and I really like this nostalgic piece!
Lad -
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Thanks for the comment and review. I like that suggestion. I will consider amending it. I do hate to change but sometimes its for the best. Thanks again Lad.
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sweet
This poem sounded very sweet to me...Though it ended quite abruptly according to me 'cause I was expecting something more..It is free flowing...
"He held my hand, while we ran through forests of youth and sipped the wine of time while it was sweet. "
These are my best lines...'forests of youth' and 'wine of time' are very good comparisons..very appropriate..
Nice write...
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Sweet ...
...as cake and champayne(?). Another slice of life washed down with your discernable style. Relationships appear to be your muse and you do them well. Poetry should 'connect' and we've all felt foolish and fooled when the veil has been lifted at some time or other. So it scores on subject. I think you've used the language really well here. I particularly liked
'and sipped the wine of time while it was sweet.'
'He snuck champayne and whispered my name in my hair, telling me about myself,'
the former for its metaphor and the latter for its imagery.
And then how you slyly hinted at the 'fall' with the next line
burying his other woman in an afterthought
The repitition in the next line works so well.
'He carressed my stupidity and loved me up so much'
Not only does it integrate the poem, it epitomizes the disappointment of it all with just the slightest change of wording. Really good. Congratulations.
I wonder if the typos on 'champayne' and 'carisma' are deliberate. Don't know if such cleverness is neccessary or really works here, but it's a tiny technical glitch in the context of a really good write. >W<
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W, thank you!!!
It is always a joy when someone so brilliant likes your work. Thank you for taking the time to review this poem. This was done in a freewrite so I am not sure where the feelings flowed from.
Sorry to anyone reading the poem and being irritated by the typos. I do try to do a spell check and review each word but sometimes I miss something. Thanks for flattering me by saying that the typos were deliberate cleverness. They were an oversight, hopefully it doesn't detract too much from the poem.
Thank you anyway for your review.X -
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I'm blushing so much I can't type. Your compliment is very kind and similarly misplaced A. but thank you.
I wonder when you say the poem was 'freewrite' do you mean it was 'flow of consciousness ' or simply deliberately without strict form? Your reply seems to imply the former. Flow of consciousness is how I like to work myself mostly. Regardless, the typos, if they are no more than that, are a totally trivial matter to me. Professor Dave Ochs is the living proof that spelling doesn't matter!
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O wow! This is really good. You draw us in more with every line all the way to the very end. The way you describe everything is so perfect you wish it wasn't over. Thank you for this great write.
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Thank you so much for the positive comments X
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