I am...

Author notes

This is who I am... All comments are much appreciated!

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• By me, right now

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• Bria
  June 11, 2007
  
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  Well Done

  You don't necessarily need to be a teenager to feel this way. What I like most is your choice of words - rather sophisticated, I would say. I can feel the hopelessness from the memories you carry, some guilt, regret of paths you've chosen or decisions you've made. Please don't believe for one second that you are "unaccepted and undesireable, all of which are undeniable". I don't know you or your life, but even if you have experienced being unaccepted, you are not undesireable. Most likely, it's because the right people or person hasn't given you a chance yet. Just my two cents! One of the interesting things about the prompter of Comments is when they suggest looking at the Title/First Line/Last Line. Yours is "I am...pensive and poetic, all of which are undeniable." I think that's really cool. I think the format, the words you've chosen, the balanced lines...all of it, captured who you feel you are. Like I said, I know I don't know you, but I bet you are much, much more than what you think you are and you've described here.
  
  Bria

  language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
• • 
    skyviewexpress
    June 12, 2007
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    Thank you so much for your wonderful comment!! Those positivity you showed in it was very reassuring! Maybe some day I will feel that way.. Im glad you liked the choice of words, I wanted to use something more than the usual and overused words, but still keep the meaning and intensity of the poem alive!! Thank you again, much obliged!
• hobby
  May 30, 2007
  
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  Hi,
  
  It’s always difficult to comment on a poem that is deeply personal to the author, so I’ll refrain from discussion on content and instead shall offer an observation on content.
  
  It’s an unfortunate truth that many readers turn off immediately from emotional and youthful teen angst poetry – stereotyping unjustly in many instances, now I said I would avoid discussion on content so skirting the main body of the poem I think that the title in itself here may keep many readers at a distance. Next is form – end rhyme couplets again often point to (and I hate the word) emo poetry. I think there is probably the opportunity to experiment with line breaks in this poem, retaining the rhymes but creating some interesting enjambment.
  
  e.g.:
  Pensive and poetic, hope
  seems so pathetic
  
  This allows the reader to associate hope with pensive and poetic but then as the following line is read, hope is modified to being associated with pathetic.
  
  Then perhaps:
  
  audacious and unsound from memories
  I’ve been bound. Obstinate and dysphoric
  feelings often historic - unaided and demented
  my own sins repented.
  
  This keeps the rhyme structure but moves them from the more predictable end-rhyme placement.
  
  Style is very personal and these are just some thoughts.
  
  Thanks for sharing and the opportunity to comment
  Rgds
  
• • 
    skyviewexpress
    May 31, 2007
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    Thanks so much for your comment. The advice you gave me was very useful. Im glad you refrained from getting to in depth, not because I dont love honesty, cause I crace it, but because I would get defensice, because this poem is personal as you stated. I know as a poet I should be able to take advice gracefully but like i said in the poem, im valiant.... Maybe too valiant. I completely agree on everything that you said but this poem was meant to be "emo"at all. It was me telling readers who I AM, that of which im disgusted with. The title is kind of over used and distasteful, but thats honestly all I could find fit.... I'll play with the poem a little more and wait for a better title to dawn on me... Thanks so much for your necsaccary gentleness and compassion. I always appreciate good comments!