I pray God, Sungo, Rain Queen
I call on the great doctors who believe that they are god inside my toiled earth
Only a wastland dwells here
I was alone inside his heart
Now I fear
He hears his mother's call, doubts flitter around
He is afraid.
Mortality has no children.
I pray Father, Uncle and sister too
Let my crops grow
I call on every being that can assist
I used to be meticoulous, now I cannot resist.
I am willing, take my open heart
Open my pores, let me live
Carry a generation in my wasted curves.
Rain Queen, Limpopo does not own you,
Let your tear drops pour on the tops of trees then on me
My hair is willing
His hope is strong
I cannot back out now
What I pray for can't be wrong.
Rain Queen, take pity on me.
Author notes
The edited version. Hope that it reads better than the original.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The allegory is a bit divided.
The impetus of this piece is an almost ineffable degree of desire to bear children and I sense a very personal vein in this. Your words almost bleed with desire to have your own children. Regardless of who this is about, I feel your involvement strongly in the emotions present. This is powerful.
However, the Rain Queen of the Limpopo people is said by legend to be the product of incest by her Father, the chief, as he believed it would give rain-making powers to his daughter. This quite divided the efficacy of the allegory for me and I was left confused.
I like most the power of emotion in this. The associations, however, left me confused and thus the focus of subject for me was somewhat divided.
Al
P.S. Your writing style reminds me a great deal of Iphios.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Lovely read
i love the treatment of this subject.it carries very subtle emotions.words r perfect but i thik it gave me a sense of forced poetry,and i came to know in the end that it has been edited.well it lacks a free flow.i love the last stanza.reflection and expresion of feeling is marvellous.try improving the flow in ur upcoming poetry.
language: 5, rhythm: 1, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 2.
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the fear is well communicated. Good choice of words here. 'meticoulous' why the use? I couldn't quite connect it. This is really good , strong words. Though it's a little blurred but that didn't stop it from being compelling. Some phrases there are simply great!
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Thanks Jewell for your review and comments. Regarding the use of the word 'meticulous', I was writing about a woman who wants a child so badly and she had prayed only to God but now she was begging anyone and everyone to give her a child. She has become desperate that she is no longer fussy who she prays to.
Thanks again for the comments.
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good Stuff!
I like this one. For me, many Earth-based prayers wrapped up in a well written poem. I am a fan of reading about lost religions and many of them are pagan or earth based religions. This sort of reminds me of their way of thinking.
“Mortality has no children” now that is poetry!!!
Impressive work, Adorasmum.
Nice Read
Bill
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heaven tears...
I like this poem so much.I think it shows melancholy, pain, hope, tireness.
I like hte images you use to show this emotions and the metaphores to reach the end on blame confession...
some culteres thinks the the rain is a God, the MAyas clled him Tacloc( i am almost sure) God of rain.
So God or Goddess have mercy on us, poor mortals!
Great to read you.Hope to do it again.
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Thanks Ludmila
Thank you for your review and kind comments.
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Terrific poetic prayer, adorasmum.
As I read it a few times over, I found myself beginning to pray it. It has power, but a soft one. Lovely.
I like the format - centering a poem every now and then, depending on the content, I think can give a work more power. It works in this one, for me at least. I mean, the centering format images vertically, as a prayer would: up to the gods.
And those gods! It's refreshing to see primal nature gods invoked in this one. I have a special fondness for primal religions, especially Ivory Coast Akan and American Indian Iroquois. Whose tribal gods are those in the poem? Whatever, poetic prayer to them is very appealing to this reader.
Good one, a. Natural, plaintive and humble.
Lad -
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Thanks Lad
Thank you for reviewing and commenting. As always I appreciate your comments.
The gods mentioned here are a mixed bag. The Rain Queen is South African, Sungo (Shango) is Yoruba (Nigerian).
I wrote this poem after reading about the fertility problems of a wide range of women, from land to land all with one common concern, to have a child from their 'wasted curves'.
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Lovely African rhythms
Hi A. I really enjoyed this totally original and refreshing piece by you, finding its rhythms, language and imagery pleasing and strong. The likening of a relationship to an eco-system is an original take indeed and it really worked for me - so I hope it was intended that way (you just never know with poetry).
I'm not taking the easy way out when I say I read Celestialpie's comment and agreed with her on just about every point. I'd place great store by her views on grammar/punctuation etc and a great deal more. Punctuation is a thorny issue in poetry, especially if the writer has any professional training in writing, where they may wish to be more concise than musical/artistic betimes. Ultimatel I suppose it all comes down to personal taste, but I personally prefer to use line breaks to pace my poems and wouldn't 'center' the text without a damn good reason. I copied and pasted the poem to remove the commas, insert some full stops and look at it as THIS READER would like to see it. I'll IM it to you for your personal consideration, apologising for any presumption on my part - it's just by far the easiest way to see how changes might look.
My Best Regards
>W<
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Wow, W
Thanks so much for taking the time to review and edit. Wow!!! I have certainly taken on board your comments as well as Pie's. I will post the edit with the suggestions.
Thanks GUYS!!!
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Hi, AM. I found this poem to be a wonderful outpouring of honest life sentiment-- who hasn't called upon every divinity they know to work some intercession on our behalf?
You have some great imagery here-- crops, children, mortality, earth, rain, mothers-- all a fantastic testament to primordial gods. I especially liked, "carry a generation in my wasted curves" and "I call the names of every being that can assist." Excellent images.
I do think it needs a lot of work, however. Here are my suggestions-- take them for whatever you think they're worth:
-I am not a fan of using commas at the end of every line. I feel that it interrupts the flow of this piece particularly. Yet I found several spots where a complete spot might scan better. For example:
I pray God, Sungo, Rain Queen. (I think a simple statement works there, as the beginning of an invocation.)
I call on the great Doctors believing that they can be god inside my toiled earth.
Only a wastland dwells here,
I was alone inside his heart.
Now I fear he hears his mother's call, doubts flitter around.
He is afraid. Mortality has no children. (Those are two separate thoughts, and I thought they should be broken into two sentences.)
I think the rest of the poem should be considered in this vein. I do not generally remark on grammar, but I felt that the commas detracted enough from this poem to warrant my saying something.
Also, the repetition of "god" in the first two lines seemed clumsy.
In L7, was that supposed to be "too"? Or was that supposed to be read as "I pray to God, Uncle, and sister to / let my crops grow"? Yet another comma that needs to go, if this is the case.
My only other suggestion is lose the "ain't" in the last stanza. The rest of the piece has been relatively formal, and this sudden slang is jarring.
Great subject and content, though. I like the freshness of your voice as well.
Looking forward to reading more of yours.
Cheers,
Pie
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Thanks Pie for reviewing this poem.
Thanks also for the constructive critism. I agree with the wrong use of the word 'aint', I have re-read it and think that that may affect the reading of the poem.
I am not sure about changing the commas, I am sorry they advsersely affected your reading of the poem. I suppose they dont really need to be present in a poem.
Thanks again for reading my work and taking time to comment. Much appreciatedX
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