Over the horizon
it peeks it's nasty head
as if to say
"you can't hide".
Aching, blinking
wishing time would stop
as if this moment
was worth living forever.
Sleep like a fast forward button
I stubbornly refuse to push.
It's hair so chestnut brown
all it's eyes equally blue.
The monster taunts me every moment
agonizingly reminding me
I must face it head on soon.
Trying desperately not to let it in,
denying it with such ferocity.
Yet still it claws at my sanity,
my monster in the closet
making me want to scream.
Remembering Christopher
and how his brown hair
will never fall
into his blue eyes.
Author notes
How's the ending I can't decide if it sounds right.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This somehow moves me a lot, LCJ.
Many of the images are striking (monster in the closet, all its eyes, "you can't hide" as examples), the tone throughout the poem is deeply melancholy, and the rhythms of the lines ring right. But those aren't what move me - it's the honesty and restraint of the poet's acceptance of the loss of Christopher and the sleepless pain that has come to the poet. Really nice writing; good reading for me.
Although you may now be satisfied with the ending (I'm coming a bit late to this poem), I do have a suggestion.
The ending of a poem may be its most potent piece, the place where a reader has his/her eyes opened up to "oh!"
Because of that, I think the final two lines don't have that "oh!" because the line-lengths, and therefore the rhythms, are off. Here's my thought:
Remembering Christopher (2 beats: mem and Chris)
how his brown hair will never (3 beats: how, hair, nev)
fall into his blue eyes. (3 beats: fall, his, eyes). That's just a suggestion, LCJ; it might help the poem end more solidly because it places the accents on the words or syllables that mean the most. But that revision is, of course, entirely up to you.
I very much like personalized bittersweetness of this one. Good poem, good reading!
Lad
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Thank you
I am glad that this poem touched and that I seem to have gotten my point across perfectly. I also think that the line brake changes could be helpful to the poem. Your thoughts are, as always apreciated.
-LCJ-
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Interesting
Hey Red, how are you? Nice to see you back around here. This one works well for me, particularly because it disguises its message right to the last line. I initially read it as 'depression' poem. Loved the line about sleep being a fast-forward button you refused to push - really excellently creative.
This is definitely one of your better writes for me Red but it 'clunked' just a little bit at the initial brown hair/blue eyes part which turns out to be of key importance and I think that's maybe why you think there may be a problem with the ending. There isn't. The end works really well. It's the 'set-up' I think needs to be polished. I'll do my usual cutandpaste on it and message it over for your consideration. But I think it's basically a sound and well above average piece of work. Well done. >W< -
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Better?
I edited it hope it reads better now. What do you think of what I replaced ankles with? I doing well by that way -
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Yes, Red I think that works well.Hope you agree. It's been a pleasure as always. >W<
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My favorite critiquer
glad that you agree with the edits, thanks
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