Renew.

Balled-up letters tumble to the floor like thoughts I'm not supposed to have.
We've learned to fill our minds with questions that will remain unanswered
Raise our hands. May I think? Permission to learn. Permission to know.
Ignorance is bliss, but bliss is a time bomb
Ticking behind our smiles
Tick.

I remember getting lost, being late with you
All you wanted was attention. Well you got it, but I didn't
And I was so angry, but you were so sweet
(you whined as your ice cream dripped to the street)
And you ran with me.
And your blackened lungs tried so hard for me
Hadn't smoked in a week, and you said
It was the end, a beginning of sorts
You said
You said.

You knew I was excited to fill that new void
And you were so different. I loved it, you knew
And yes it was unlikely but you said we'd be tight
Attractive novelty (your shirt was too small that night)
The seatbelt hug was just like you
Awkward and intriguing, you said you inked your own tattoo
And he told me you were unreliable.
But I tried to ignore
I guess you got bored

I remember the first time you didn't call back
Couldn't find you at lunch, but I didn't think much,
And he told me you were smoking in the back of a truck
Is that why? Did you think I'd be mad at you? Fuck it
—I knew it wasn't fate, but you seemed to believe
Promises. Those big eyes. Sure, I was naïve
I remember the day when you stopped looking at me
And I still miss your eyes
And I still miss your eyes.

Maybe someday I'll ask for the money I loaned
I hope the fucking pipe worked great, you know
And I'm not brokenhearted, and I don't blame myself
I just wish that I could ask you why.
Why you stopped waiting for me after class
Why you stopped trying to make me laugh
And what happened to those words?
What happened to your eyes?
Why couldn't you say goodbye, or something?

I needed a friend, you just needed a ride to rehearsal
Not angry, I'm confused by the attention reversal
I've come so close to writing it down before now
But I didn't know how
I didn't know how.

So full of questions that will never be answered
Thoughts that won't be heard, judgments so blurred
You know, trust is a funny concept
Something to hold, the mindset
That skews our beliefs, setting us up for defeat (making us feel complete)
Without it we're compassionless and with it we're weak

I won't let my bliss tick for you anymore
I won't raise my hand
I won't ball up these words and bury them
My head won't be a landfill of thoughts left behind
And I won't hide. I'm finished hiding.
I don't care enough to hide this from you.

I will be new.
Renew.