In the endless sea of innocence
Deep within an infant's eyes,
Drifts the unsinkable ship of
Truth, as if never to sink and die.
Silent, serene and sincere –
his peaceful eyes can be described;
But this defines his today,
Tomorrow belongs to his other side
He'll envelope himself by grotesque
Sheets of unbreakable complexity
And bind his existence with falsehood
By chains of long corrupted fantasy.
But his soul will cling to on to it,
All through, and discreetly nurture
It's complexity – allowing the rhythm
Of his life defy the rhythm of nature
But neither autumn's red-lipped fruitage
Nor the spell of spring lasts all day.
No matter how long it breathes,
no matter whatever it is - it fades away!
And so will those eyes, one dusk
Break free from its cold hard shell
But alas! Just to seep into another
And in it for a new week dwell!
Author notes
Simple enough, i guess - it speaks basically of how an innocent child grows up to be a complex human...
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Its beautiful
THere is a very soft touch to it yet it speaks the hard and bitter truth ... Little ... you are an amazing person with an amazing talent. You have to keep this going ... but i think you should look at the bud which is starting to become a flower now... look at life's soft side and write about that as well.... take care
Traveller
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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The first three stanzas are quite good.... But can still be improved with some effort. Maybe if you could get the exact rhyme for "eyes" and "die", and "complexity" & "fantasy"... will require some effort agreed, but believe me it will be worth it. And truth is ok in 3rd line as well. Doesn't affect the beat. Don't go just by the number of syllables. You have to group the phrases which roll together. "ship of truth" is a lot smoother to read than just "ship of" Thats the priniciple on which longer rhyming lines work.
For me the poem gets really confusing from the 4th stanza onwards. In 4th stanza are you saying that its the soul which makes the child lose his innocence? And what are you saying in 5th stanza. As far as I understand, the innocence is already lost and complexity has taken birth. So if you are talking about fading away, its not innocence fading away... its actually complexity. Is there a flaw in the flow here?
And again, in the last stanza, eyes breaking free and seeping into another? its not a good metaphor. And i dont quite get what do they signify. and why "week"??
So though the word usage is clever in the last three stanzas, they miss their target by a bit. Needs some rework.
Cheers.
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Wow, are you really 13 years old. Not to be patronising but you are exceedingly talented for one so young. You write with the complexity you describe in the poem above. The tone was strangely regretful that we go from innocence to grotesque complicated beings in a season. I guess I agree, we start off so pure and then we become destructive/cruel/judgemental/ simply impure. on the other hand, I marvel at times at the intricate detail that goes into every being, each person has their own fears/worries/ego/pain/desire/fantasies/need/psyche. It seems amazing. Maybe a terrible beauty?
The stanzas were well placed. The only gripe I had was that sometimes it did feel slightly stilted. At times you would build pace and then it would be broken by a word starting on the next line, for example at lines 5, 6-7, 20-21.
In any evet, very strong and effective poem.
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 3.
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