Don’t go
I whispered, but
my whispers could never quite cross
the gap between us.
Her eyes flickered with understanding,
mine with despair.
Please
don’t go,
I whispered
to the tear-stained bedsheets
where I woke;
but there was no-one to listen
no-one to care.
Stay
don’t go
I asked of her;
she checked her baggage in
smiled wistfully, and
walked away.
Transfixed
I felt the takeoff
shaking my heart;
don’t go, I whispered
but it was already
too late.
Anything at all
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Methinks good and bad will work on a scale. I agree with cactus that there isnt really anything remarkable about the poem, but then we do take time to better ourselves over our previous efforts.
I think you the poetry could have captured the sense of loss better with greater imagery and all. Maybe even a better description of the leaving person's reactions to your call back. But then as I said, I have not reaaly read any of your previous poems, so cant really pass a judgement. Keep writing and all the luck!! -
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hey
I see what you mean, I kinda focused too much on myself in this poem and not enough on the other person.
thanks for the criticism! much appreciated
nish*81*
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not so good
well there is lots of stuff like that n there is nothing unique remarkable in this poem.form is good but same old style.better try somthng unique or beautiful.it has no spice n no flow at all.kindly take this as a positive criticsmlanguage: 1, rhythm: 1, subject: 1, tone: 1, form: 1.
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thanks for an honest criticism :-) much respected
I'm not sure if I wanted to try anything new here though...I just wrote it as an outlet of emotion. my main hope is that it comes across in an honest tone
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wow
Did you really loss someone, is that what inspired you to write this poem? its really good. I fill that you lost something or someone and that makes me sad
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 3.
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yeah, and I felt the best way to express it was in a poem.
i'm glad you liked the poem though
nish[81]
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Purest from heart.
HIs easily end in seconds, but GOODBYEs take our lives out….. what is that stops us from bidding adieu? Sentiments? Aren’t we materialistic and pragmatic these days? Erm…. We can’t say YES immediately. We are sentimental. Goodbyes hurt at least one of the participants of the relationship. This poems speaks beyond words. Simplicity adds richness to the tone and message.
I love this one.
Keep writing.
Lolz
Kiddy
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Thanks kiddy, for your comment that means a lot. You're spot on, I'm glad you liked this poem!
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hmmmm..look dont be sad or angry because iam just 13 years old _i didnt feel the poem had any feelings...sorry, there are feelings but they are not stated much.idont know poems rules but i think that the mistakes are:
1.you whispered & if someone whispered of course the other will go, you must have shouted for her not to go
but if it was for your mother it is ok accepted in a certain meaning.
2.if the poem were that you imagined yourself as a husband/wife it will be excellent as a poem because it may be there was something that broke you up & she was gone after your mistake with him/her.so you are a really good writer.you are really good but give a wink to whom is in the poem.dont write something public & let everyone seee it &you are the only one who knows who is the person or what thing you are taliking about.poems could be like this but give just a small wink on what you are writing about...
and remember iam just 13.oh yes, and sorry i dont really know if yuo are a boy or a girl.
byeeeee!!!!!!!i think you are boy.may be!language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 2.
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thanks for the comment!
hey disneygirl, thanks for the comment. especially the criticisms, it's great to read others' ideas on how to improve!
(by the way, I'm a boy)
well let me answer your first point: when I used 'whisper', I didn't exactly mean it literally, as in 'very quietly'. in the literal sense, it's assumed that she's standing close enough to me to hear my whisper. Whether she actually hears it and can't do anything about leaving, or she doesn't hear it, is left open to the reader's choice.
the reason I used 'whispered' was because I wanted to give off a quiet atmosphere, and because I was hurting so much, i wouldn't be shouting. like, picture the image of someone in so much pain that the loudest they can do is whisper, they don't have the power for anything louder. maybe that helps?
and secondly, well since I'm 15 I don't have a husband/wife, but the poem was indeed for a romantic interest of mine - you're right, I should have indicated that in the poem. It's nothing to do with breaking up though: it's to do with her moving. hence the line "she checked her baggage in".
and, there's no such thing as 'only 13', no matter how old you are, I appreciate your comment
thanks again!
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well...
absorbing, that is, it soaks in all emotions. I kept waiting for something though, I'm not sure what. But it's like i'm looking for meaning. good write!
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thanks for the comment jewell!
and you're right, I don't think there is any sharp 'meaning' as such to this poem. based on experiences, I just wrote it the way it was, which means my main aim is for it to be, well, truthful/honest.
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Deeply sincere, nish.
And very carefully structured with simplicity. Plain and ordinary words, I think, are the best choices for this type of writing - they most honestly reflect the heart. This one has that, and I like it.
I think it's more prose than poetry - perhaps too literal for a poem. But maybe, after all, some poetry IS prose, especially when it tries to render painful experience such as this farewell without metaphor or imaged language. I like its honest pain. The rhythmic repetitions of "don't go" are moving because they are true, and for that reason they help the piece to glow within itself.
Although not as nearly poetic as your previous work, this is a good read for me.
Lad -
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Spot on...
...as usual, you're very right.
In fact, that's just why I was very hesitant about putting this poem up online: I felt it wasn't poetic enough, and I spend ages trying to make it poetic. But in the end I just saw that it said exactly what I wanted it to say, and I'd rather it be an honest piece of writing than something it's not meant to be.
Glad you liked this Lad
nish(81)
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