I stare at the coffin of a friend,
Dear to the heart,
My Soul.
lost, forever, all to no end.
I fight the tears, fight the rage, but defenses drift apart.
And I find that Jesus has left me to the dark.
My Screams pierce the night,
but the power is beyond my match,
pain rips as I burn and shake,
forced from me is that most precious gift.
While my heart hardens in its wrath.
And I truly understsand
Heaven's promise of protection is naught.
The metal is cold, the barrel is hard.
I can't see their eyes,
but yellow teeth are bared.
He grunts in triumph, I cry, helpless, bound in fear.
And the gate is near.
But from redemption comes the mark,
of one cast from Jesus' land,
into faithless dark.
Author notes
I've reritten this recently, any opinions?
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I saw a lot of themes within this poem that pointed me to a very interesting conclusion to what you believe in.
"My Soul."
Your capitalization of "Soul" indicates you still have theistic or spiritualistic beliefs. You draw attention to the word, whether conscientiously or not, and also say to Christian readers that it is possible to believe in a "soul" and even (a) god(s) with out accepting the Christian doctrine.
Your most cryptic stanza--the second stanza--is also the most powerful. Every verb is active and conveys forcefulness. The final line is absolutely spine tingling: heretical, blasphemous, riveting.
I want to say that the third paragraph is concerning a rape...but I could be wrong.
You wrote an amazing poem :
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thank you very much
Yes I do beleive in a soul and spirit. Every living thing has one, there is no way something could NOT have a soul or a spirit.
I worked a LOT on the second stanza. It was redone more times than I can count before I truly became slightly happy with it. lol.
The second and third paragraphs are both concerning rape.
I really appreciate the comments!
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Where does one begin?
This poem creates many questions for me.
Are you writing of your personal experience?
If so, I am so sorry that this death has caused you so much suffering.
If you are writing about an imagined experience or nightmare than you have brought to bear several strong images.
I am having some difficulty connecting the thought that leads from the second to the third verse. Is this the gates of hell that you are describing?
I do not believe that any promises were made from heaven about protection from death. Isn't death just the other end of birth? If we are given life then death is a given.
One hopefully grows up and develops a more mature understanding about the nature of faith or decides not to include faith in his/her repertory. I think ones first confrontation with this is the most painful.
But from redemption comes the mark,
of one cast from Jesus' land,
into faithless dark.
For me this is the strongest statement of how you felt affected by the death.
My Soul.
lost, forever, all to no end.
Do you mean, my Soul lost, forever, all to no end?
With the period after Soul it appears to belong to the line before it and obscures the meaning.
Finding expression for grief in poetry is for me part of the healing process. I hope that is also true for you.
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 2.
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Thank you
the first verse is about a friend who killed himself, the second and third verse is about being raped. yes both happened to me, both were horrible experiences, but I learned and grew from them. The promise i'm talking about isn't safety from death, but more so how the promise of jesus bringing redemption is false, because our lives on earth is hell in itself.
yeah this was an attempt at grief that i somehow think failed, i've since stopped believing in god and jesus, i'm a witch now, and happier than i ever was with christianity.
thank you for your cmment and i'll think about how i want to rearrange the my soul. lost part. :-)
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