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Blue Angel

Blue Angel
jeans arrogantly proud;
you lookin' at me?

Blue Angel;
deep strength for within
love 'in you babe

Blue Angel
she whispered;
thank you

Blue Angel;
morning dawns an aching head
White Savior

Please tell me what you think

    : Comment:

Comments


  • Lad
    June 27, 2007

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    Neat.

    hobby, I wondered how long it would be before someone worked - so to speak - blue-hued viagra into a poem. And yours goes further, boning up the image as a connective from hard youth to white-haired elderhood. Fun, droll, as senryus should be.

    "you lookin' at me?" (you seein' that pistol in my pocket?) - "love 'in you..." - "thank you..." (who doesn't want to hear THAT?) - "an aching head" (yep, far different down there from a plain old cranialache) - the double entendre of "head...White" - "White Savior" (still some redeeming lead in the old guy's pencil?). I enjoyed this, hobby.

    I like the title; without it, the poem would, for me at least, be senseless. Maybe a bit shorter? such as: "Blue Angel: An Alchemy of Old to Young"?

    I don't think the "A Senryu Collection" is needed. Doesn't matter that you've disregarded the traditionally-required syllable count; the stanzas still have that compacted senryu feel. No, it's just that I don't think the ancillary title is necessary - seems to add nothing, unless you've got some cryptic meaning in it.

    Good one.

    Lad

    • hobby
      July 12, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Lad,

      Thanks for your feedback, as you may note I have temporarily shortened the title to give me some distance from what I had inked in originally. I quite like your suggestion of Alchemy - I think it captures the magical / chemical wizardry of the drug so I'm considering a few alternatives along those lines - thanks!

      As always your eye is attuned to the subtleties of a poem and I’m pleased to see that you zeroed in to those of the last piece.

      Thanks as always for reading and for your feedback which is highly valued by all who post here.

      rgds
      hobby


  • Windhover gold member
    June 27, 2007

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    Too much explanation

    I think this would work just fine without the extension on the title or the declaration that it is ' a collection of senryu. It makes it seem like you're trying to validate it in some way - which is not neccessary. It works fine. Let it stand on its own two feet.

    • hobby
      July 12, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hi,

      I agree with the declaration of form - totally unnecessary and to some maybe even patronizing so thanks for heads up. I have temporarily shortened the title but do like Lad’s suggestion of somehow working in Alchemy of youth – I’ll experiment a little with it and see comes out in the wash.

      Thanks
      hobby