I have reached some age, some place
where wisdom groans with disgrace
where certainty loses space
and heroes crowned are soon replaced.
Late at night I scrape, I scrawl
friend and fool alike to fall
in this trap, what soul recall
it wasn't me, no, not at all.
I have reached, I've tried enough
tried as true most every crutch
answered every single touch
but what felt real wasn't much.
Late I slow, I pace the hall
face off to stare at my wall
in the mirror, strong and tall
it wasn't me, no, not at all.
I have reached into the fray
muddled black and white to gray
my hope reborn everyday
my dreams, they walk the other way.
Late it dawns upon my crawl
where I go is where I stall
in this glimpse so very small
it wasn't me, no, not at all.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I really like how it's drawn out.. beautifully written
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The tone and rhyming of this piece of work is great but i beleive you need to re work some of it, i beleive you need to feel in a meaning as others have said i do as well understand the poem its just difficult to get to.
--Tori
p.s if anything has offended you i appologize i didnt mean for it to.
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 2, tone: 3, form: 3.
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No offense taken. I wish the poem wasn't so hard for you (and everyone else) to understand.
It's simple to me....what you see isn't necessarily ME... that's it.
I don't think I want to rework it. I don't think it needs to be reworked. I'm just sorry no one else " gets it ".
Thanks for your comment, Tori. Bluebird
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hey bluebird
very well done in regard to meter and rhyme and all. read the other comments about content or some lack, but just on poor strength and power and essence i think this good.
dave -
this poem has a good rhyme to it, very consistent also. but it was difficult for me to get the meaning completely. i understand what is being said, but i feel there is a void, and it needs more expression, but still a good write. im sorry if my comments offended you.
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Thanks for reading. No offense taken, so don't worry about that. I appreciate your insight and I'm starting to think I may need to rework this one. It says so much to me, but not much to anyone else.
Thanx again, blue2ki.
Bluebird
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This needs to be clarified
The tone is good and consistent with regret I think, but it needs to be honed with more examples of the sentiment you wish to portray. I see a person losing faith, but not sure of what is being felt. It seems encoded and too much is being place upon the reader to understand when the metaphors are not common knowledge.
I have reached some age, some place
where wisdom groans with disgrace
where certainty loses space
and heroes crowned are replaced.
-the word "some" is unecessary and actually distracts as the reader becomes lost in the generality of the descriptor. Descriptors are designed to hone meaning, here you have used one to blunt it. You're attempting to describe that "particular" place, not "some" place.
Next, how does "wisdom groan with disgrace"? That is an obscure statement and begs an explanation. You offer none. The last two lines of this stanza are good and pointed, but to what end? Again, you broach subjects that must be further explicated upon.
Late at night I scrape, I scrawl
friend and fool alike will fall
in this trap, whaat soul recall
it wasn't me, no, not at all.
-I don't understand the place of the "it wasn't me", you've not established enough of a premise for this statement to belong and have a home. It strikes out of the blue and makes one scratch the head and ask: "What does that mean?"
I have reached, I've tried enough
tried as true most every crutch
answered every single touch
what felt real wasn't much.
You're losing faith in your efforts to understand and doubting what you ever believed true.
Late I slow and pace my hall
face off to stare at the wall
in the mirror, strong and tall
it wasn't me, no, not at all.
-you're wondering who you are, not sure at all.
I have reached into the fray
muddled black and white to gray
my hope reborn everyday
dreams, they walk the other way.
-sounds like someone pissing away their life as they lose sight of who they are.
Late it dawns upon my crawl
where I go is where I stall
in this glimpse so very small
it wasn't me, no, not at all.
You're wondering if you ever really were the person you thought you were. That kind of doubt is a terrible thing that unravels a person's accomplishments and sets them as nothing.
That's what it sounds like. What I felt inside that it meant?, that you're losing faith in a friend, and that is a sad thing indeed. If this is your inner message, it needs to be clarified along those lines because I am confused.
Al
p.s. The meter also needs to be reworked as there are several spots that go awry and throw off the balance of the flow. Check out your counts again and add a few syllables here and there. Also, keep your expressions together,ie: "late I slow and pace my hall". That could be taken many ways. Does that mean "as of late", "lately", "late in the night", "behind the times"? The line begs a question of the reader but offers nothing for the reader to grasp later on for the reader to clarify his question. This has a good structure and I sense a good theme, but it needs to be tweaked and clarified to truly reach inside the reader and give that "a-ha!" moment. Right now I just feel "huh?". I need more to understand. More explication please.
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Wow
Hey Plum, thanks for the read and comment. You gave me a lot to think about. It's going to take a while to digest it all.
Based on your comments on the last four stanzas, I think you do understand a lot of what was written, but "it wasn't me, no, not at all' is a critcial line in this poem...and you got part of it but there's more to it and I want the reader to get it all, so I'll consider some work to that end.
Thanks again. I value your opinion. Bluebird
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Nicely controlled, bb...
...and a bit difficult for me to penetrate. I believe the poet is grieving here over making some bad errors in her life, even some bad judgments about others and life. But she's meditating on the thought that it really wasn't her at her best that made the mistakes - "it wasn't me, no, not at all..." - as though her previous "wisdom" is now "disgraced", and she "pace"s around, hoping for a new start, although her "dreams" have walked "the other way" - her self-image as a good person, in other words.
Well, bb, I hope I'm not way off! If I am, my regrets. Perhaps the poem might have given some more clues to the dilemma; but, still, I think it's a well-controlled and probing poem.
Lad -
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Nicely Commented Upon
Thank you for taking the time to try and make sense of my prose, Lad. I don't think you're way off at all.
I guess the key for me was the last stanza...about how this life is but a glimpse of who we really are and how sometimes that "glimpse" you see of some one doesn't reveal the truth about them. Thus the repetition "it wasn't me, no, not at all".
Thanks again, Lad. Bluebird
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