Why do we choose to live
with this wound up clockwork,
pressure building as we
let the gatekeeper
wind and wind and wind
Where our wings used to be
he twists and winds
the keyholes to manipulate our spines and
release is only a chimera
as our choice to clip our wings
only lets our little clockwork feet
shuffle, shuffle further into the darkness
into that final cold of night
Fools that we are, fool that I was,
now I must construct my wings
from sticks and twine,
spit and blood
held on by my memories of
souls light so far off
I could fly today, or yesterday,
but I look down and across
and all around and on the horizon
I see you, so I wait
and wait and wait
I endure the winding and the pain,
that slow shuffling towards
your darkness
knowing I could escape,
but I wait and I whisper and I try
to teach you to make your own mechanical wings
of sweat and blood and belief
Patiently, I explain the light
warn of the false allure
to blind your eyes, cover your soul.
I pray.
I pray you hear me.
I use my light to cast a circle
of love and protection
and hope that you awaken to your own memories
of happiness.
How many have I saved,
how many sets of paltry wings,
a scant hope of salvation
has my light bought?
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It's a bit of a slow build, possibly needs some reformatting and punctuation changes...
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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This is well worth any effort to improve upon it.
This concept is excellent and very unique. I love your point of view here and the way you've wound it up and created a whole life philosophy built on heaven deferred being wound around this concept known as time. I like mind expanding works that contemplate the hows and whys of existence in an effort to make sense of it all. I wrote a work called "Light Ravel" in an effort along the same vein and this reminded me of what I was thinking when I wrote it: the attempt to corporealize understanding of our existence. However, there are many facets cut here and not all have been properly aligned for maximum brilliance or cohesiveness of the work. Case in point, you end this piece on a question. I believe that when a poem poses a question it is then obligated to at least attempt to answer it in a satisfactory fashion. This poem seems begun but not finished. You definitely need more on this and this is well worth the effort to continue. Very unique and very much piques the reader's interest by its different take. The take is ethereal and floats in the air, now you need to buoy up your premise with why life is the way you say it is.
Now...do I understand your message? Here's my take on it in short order:
We have been broken down from greatness to live as mortals and rebuild ourselves, reinforcing our beings with the power that the reckoning with time affords. God must stand at the outskirts, just out of sight as we walk by faith and thus develop who we truly are, molded by our own intrinsic character outside of extrinsic forces. Forces that would otherwise conform us were we not without them for this time known as mortality. That's the sense I got. Before I billow any further, am I close?
Al
p.s. Does your title refer to Paul's "we see through a glass darkly" train of thought, alluding that our mind's eye is obscured as to our true origin? All in all this is quite excellent and full of good stuff to ponder. Also, that is an awesome picture up there. I dig the author picture too.
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No to the post script on your comment. But now I will have to find that! the title refers only to a collection of poetry I'm gathering and a short story called gateways through the penumbra that I've started on storywrite.com that will be the tail piece to the collection. ch 1 of that story is awful, but by ch. 2 I finally started telling the story I meant to write. I'm working on that story now.
By the way, this is the BEST poetry critique I've ever gotten from anyone!
Glad to hear you like my taste in pictures too. -
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The best????
Oh, gawsh...this here lil' thing was just a quickie. I'm glad you think so highly of my half-assed effort. Now I'm gonna have to step up my game lest I be seen for the half-baked fraud that I am.
Hey thanks for the gratitude, but you gotta keep the expectations low as I hate to think I'd ever have to deliver par excellence again.
I'm glad you enjoyed my critique and thanks for expressing it. It makes me feel all worthwhile and stuff. You're very nice and it's a pleasure to have you here.
Al
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This is fantastic!!! I loved the whole theme and the way you tackled it. Truly... Well done!!!
I will get back to this again in a days time. Have to rush right now. Again... absolutely fanulous!!!
Cheers
HM. Rewarded 4
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I love the music of this. You did a fine job.
I would lose one of your "into" before "that final cold of night" use "of" instead.
I'd lose "now" (I must construct)
Is "light" a verb? or is it Soul's light?
I'm not sure how important to you is the series of "I" words in the "I endure" stanza. Seems a bit forced. Unnecessary.
"Warn?"
I hear: I pray you hear me AND use my light to cast etc.
Finally: ...and hope you awake to your own etc.
(I'd lose THAT and the EN of awaken.) (And shouldn't there be a comma after "salvation?"
Lovely poem. Great sound.
July 20, 2007