allurement of home
how hard she has worked to spawn;
a salmon up stream
a salmon up-stream
leaping against the current;
sleepy bears feed well
sleepy bears feed well
before the sunless season;
Skies gather darkness
skies gather darkness
an old pond ready to fall;
beneath a frog croaks
beneath a frog's croak
an old pond's ripples murmur;
a splash then chaos
a splash then chaos
as kamikaze rain drops
a splash then chaos
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I liked the format of this until the very last, I guess I just didn't care for the repetition of the phrase "a splash then chaos" I think it's because I don't see raindrops or splashes as causing chaos, I see a kind of order in the arc of the water and the circling ripples
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Hi,
I mentioned to Bill below that I was a little concerned about the last 'ku. It was structured to provide an end that continues, but I also worried that I may have been overly influenced by thoughts on the Kamikaze and the Shinto beliefs held by most Japanese at that time, leaning the piece more towards a senryu than haiku. You have a valid point on the symmetry and predictable order of the expanding waves, but I was thinking that, relatively speaking, do these ripples not create chaos in the pond? Then when we consider that rain is also plural the effects become even more chaotic.
I really appreciate your honest feedback, thanks for the comment.
Rgds
hobby
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I like the style of this poem, it is interesting
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Hi - thank you, I'm pleased it intrigued
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Totally satisfying, hobby.
And shiningly so for me. The haiku train moves slowly and quickly and the same time; each final line has a slightly different texture as it becomes a first line, especially "a frog croaks" to "a frog's croak". Really pleasing and original images all the way through this meditation on life's struggles for re-birth, often ending in getting eaten and in "chaos".
What struck me most personally is "an old pond ready to fall..." - its double-entendre of Autumn and my getting relentless older until I go "beneath a frog's croak..." but, I hope, not into chaos!
For my enjoyment, hobby, this is a masterfully skillful gem, not a facet to be changed.
Lad -
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Hi Lad,
For me age comes to us all, it’s something to be cherished and looked forward to, for with it comes experience. Wisdom is the beneficial application of that experience and we see the beneficial application of your experience in your poems and comments - so Tomorrow come and don't be slow!
Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for reading.
Rgds
hobby
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Hey,
A great title, very clever to repeat the last line of each Haiku in the next. It gave the poem that “train” feeling to it. I like the ending with kamikaze raindrops. An ending that just ends but leaves the life cycle moving on.
Good read Hobby
Bill
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Hi Bill,
I'm glad the end worked for you, I had some reservations about it, but you saw it as intended - an end that continues.
Thanks.
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Hi, hobby. I always enjoy experiments with the haiku style, and I like how you've turned them into stanzas for a longer piece. I also like the repetition of final lines to form the "train." It's amazing how this elegant little format forces us to prioritize our words and images, and I think you have accomplished that nicely here.
I especially like the line, "a splash then chaos."
Pie
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 4, form: 5.
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Hi CP,
They are a challenge but so much fun, especially when experimenting with the form.
Thanks for the read and the encouraging comment!
rgds
hobby
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hi there hobby, i got curious about the title that after reading your poem, i checked the wikipedia for the meaning of haiku. sorry for my ignorance i am just an amateur in this particular field.
first, i liked the illustration on the lifecycle of the salmon in rhythmical manner. when i was a child i was really amazed as to why salmon has to do this, face the risk of waiting fangs and deadly paws of bears, just to go back where they were once born and for them to also spawn new life.
second, this may also be your analogy about a man facing a difficult past wherein turning and finding their way back into their past awaits fatal fangs and paws that can struck deep into their emotions.
this is much a poem on courage, perseverance and love. love foremost because of the sacrifice one has to face so as to spawn new life.language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Hi TsarJosef,
Firstly I have to thank you for spending the time to go and research the form, Haiku though seemingly simple is quite a tricky. Those traditional haiku masters seem, even in the English translations, to be able to draw a great depth of meaning from so few words - a true skill. Perhaps you will feel inspire to give the form ago yourself?
Haiku were traditionally borne of a simple observation which when considered brought around a deeper understanding of our environment, our world. Of course most authors of haiku will have an aim in mind, but they are written in such a way as to entice the reader to consider the presented situation and derive his own interpretation. It’s great that you spent the time with these and did so perhaps discovering theme which is applicable to your own life situation.
Many thanks for reading and for your well considered comment
Rgds
hobby
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A really good effort here
I really like the lines " as kamikaze rain drops - a splash then chaos" It formed together really well
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 5.
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Hi,
Thanks for your comment, it tends to be a little damp at times here in Singapore so there is lots of inspiration for rain related themes!
rgds
hobby
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