I whisper to myself as i cry to the song
I want him, i want him, i want him.
I want to hold him and tell him
I know you, i know you.
I want to see him again and tell him my heart
Doesn’t beat so strong anymore
Doesn’t beat so soft any longer
I want to tell him my heart beats right for now.
Author notes
Not too good, rather Clichéd but when one is in a Cliché mood then nothing really comes out but Clichés.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Nice
I thought that it was a really good poem
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Hi, Colin. Neat to see you writing again.
I guess I have my own take on cliches in this poem. If cliches mean ANY use of common words like whisper, cry, want, and heart-beats, then I think the opposite. Common words, and their implied sentiments, CAN be cliches if they're used in worn-out phrases and ordinary, prose expressions of emotions. But this poem has something that takes it way out of cliche: it sums up difficult-to-write feelings in a form just right for what it says. This, for me at least, makes it interesting and readable and moving.
When I think about that, hell, ANY one- or two-syllable word is a cliche when used to tell about feelings in a boring way. Even great poets, like Keats, for example, used mostly common words about universal human longings, but never in a humdrum way, and that's at least one of the reasons I think his poetry will always live. The difference is HOW words are used in WHAT KIND of phrases for WHAT TYPE of feelings and to what effect.
Whew! now that the lecture is over (sorry), I think this poem is very un-cliched, and I challenge anyone to prove that it's not. It has yearning, desire, stimulated by music; it images a tired heart needing to come back to life again; it expresses that futile feeling of wanting someone unattainable, at least for now, and of not yet putting that want into actual conversation with that person; and it also has an implied thought that, if that person is actually seen face to face again, the poet has plenty to say about heart and want, and that talking could go in many directions, not just one - the poem's final line tells me that.
This is cliche? I don't think so, especially when it's all written with the same exhausted tone and texture that the poem is talking about. Form and content fit together hand-in-glove. Repeated words, like I, want, know, you, beat - this is the way ordinary people talk when they're tired; the poem is true to that; its voice is accurate.
Lest you think I'm flattering you or just being kind, please think again. I mean what I say. Sometimes, when creativity is like dust, our most honest feelings surface up. To be able to write about them THEN, when they're gray and defy us, that takes talent, technical skill...and perseverance.
I think this is a fine poem, C. It's plain and candid and doesn't try to poeticize. It just thinks, feels and talks with no pretentions. Please don't confuse that with cliche - a way different thing. I LIKE this poem.
Lad -
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Dont apologize for the lecture at all-I'm glad you gave it.
I know I can count on you to give me an honest reveiw at all times and I respect that very much. Your right, this isnt too cliched but I'm afraid I did something I should never do. Someone read this poem over my shoulder and said "cliched" and I based it on that. I usually dont do that and I'm glad I usually dont.
Thank you very much for giving me a better opinion of my own poem.
Your Pal,
-Colin
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hola Colin,
I know the cliche mood you're talking about, and I agree that this maybe isn't your best wording. However, the feeling and the emotion that you are describing shines through. Nice poem
All the best,
~Saturday -
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Thanks Mar,
Glad you liked the emotion at least. Thanks,
-Colin
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well, guess what..
i am in the same cliche mood right this minute and it's a rainy sunday morning -- isn't that worse?
sometimes, when you put alot of cliches together, it comes out something honest and beautiful and raw like this one. No polishing needed.
Thanks for saying out loud the things boiling inside me since last night....
be well,
Lynne -
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Any time Lynne, I'm glad I'm not alone in the cliched world at the moment. We should compare cliches until we run out and then something has to be left, the tar-like real poetry that needs to be found by boling away the cliches around it.
I'm glad you like this bit of cliching.
-Colin
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