fluffy clouds of blue
kneeling softly on horizon's mist
streaked by dusty crimson mushroomed haze
soft glowing of isoscele
reaching shore of foaming miasma
heaving sighs of serenity at journey’s end
speck of flight feather
poised encased within entrapped ray
seeking refuge at end of day’s curtain
pictured glow of tranquillity
framed in mind through sight
upon eternal stroke of canvassed clothed heart
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Author notes
This is a photo of one of the beaches in Cape Town South Africa a student [Tony Clarke] of mine kindly sent me with permission to use as I wish. Could not thik of any other way that to attempt to 'poem' it.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Hi, FransB.
This, for me, is an appealing and calming meditation on one of The Great Spirit's most beautiful artworks - it "strokes" me just right, early in the morning.
I think the two phrases in which you anthropomorphise nature ("heaving sighs..." and "seeking refuge...") could have been risky for a poet with lesser talent, but you pulled it off skilfully by unifying the poem around the Divine's heart. Again, as in your "Hallowed", this poem has a haiku's swiftly and deftly brushed air about it; the enchanting photo only adds to that aura. For my reading, nicely done. It even picked up and lyricised that slight, brush"stroke"d, solitary, suspended bird.
I especially like the internal, slanted rhymes; they only add to the poem's resonance: fluffy, softly, dusty; mist, crimson; glowing, foaming; encased, ray, day; glow, stroke, clothed; heart, sight. I admire that attentiveness to chosen dictions' sounds.
My only hesitant thought (and this is merely a matter of taste, not a negative criticism in any way) are the grammatical repetitions, which I hear as a slight mannerism in the poem: 'clouds of blue', rather than the simpler 'blue clouds'; 'glowing of isoscele', instead of 'isoscele's glow' (love that word 'isoscele'!); 'shore of foaming miasma'; 'sighs of serenity'; 'speck of flight feather'; 'glow of tranquility'; 'stroke of...heart'. Again, FransB, my reluctance about those frequent constructions are ONLY a matter of taste. I might have restructured some of those phrases to avoid possible overuse in such a brief poem. But that's just my opinion, which, of course, you're free to disregard at will!
All in all, I feel this lovely poem as another glowing canvas. Very fine reading for me.
Lad
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Dear Lad
I have been a member of AP since July and what you are reading are my first attempts at poetry. I have no education in poetry, and I am excited that I have found a teacher-crit as you. You provide a new dimension in my thinking and in experiencing of my [own] poems. I shall do as you say. I will leave the poem as is, and then incorporate your kind and thoughtful suggestions - then stand back and have a look at what has emerged. I have this feeling that this might be what I am looking for when writing certain thoughts that eventually merge into poem form. You are a great teacher! As from my student days, I love to play with and delve into concepts - trying to discover the 'dynamics' thereof. Poetry makes using these discoveries opportunities for practice. I want to post a poem for your comment - someone [not a Sharepoetry member], after reading it suggested that I read Shelley's work and then give up writing! In fact I did receive more positive than such harsh comments, but would when your time allows it, appreciate you reviewing it. Well, I better be going now, over-stayed my time on the floor at the feet of my mentor! Frans. -
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Many thanks, sincerely, for your kind reply.
It amazes me that you've been writing poetry for only a few weeks, Frans; they surely indicate for me not only your talent, but also your love and care of the language. In my opinion, those two elements alone (along with good old perseverance) mean that I'll be enjoying your future work.
I wrote poetry for about two years back in the late 1980s, then stopped. Picked it back up again only a year ago. I never taught lit or creative writing, as my field is comparative religions and philosophy, but have always loved reading others' 'good' poems, then analyzing how my favorite ones were technically constructed and how the poet's heart, mind and spirit got inside their lines. Great fun.
While writing back in the 80s, I participated in a local poetry seminar and learned much; this site, too, has been of immense help from other poets who know what they're doing. If you haven't already, you might want to check out these fine writers on SharePo: celestialpie, Windhover, hobby, Mojojames, eosmia, Plumeister, Iphios and a handful of others. And there are some teen and young adult writers, too, whose talented work is still a bit rough but striking: Synth, Sianoq and riveralex, to name just a few.
Your thought that you "love to play with and delve into concepts...the dynamics" of poetry sounds just right to my ears; that's really refreshing to hear, especially these days when many writers think they only have to gush up a sincere emotion, and poof! it's poetry. To me, poetry writing is a joyous difficulty: labor over so many choices as the poem progresses, then that fine, sweet satisfaction when it's done. Nothing like it, as I think you might agree.
I'd like the see the poem you mention, the one that prompted the stupid comment that you should read Shelley, then quit writing. What if some ignorant wag had told Shelley to read Shakespeare, then quit writing? I think the joy of poetry writing is in its satisfaction, not in its contrast with 'the masters.' I have a hunch you'll agree there too!
Later,
Lad
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Hi,
It's amazing how we can all look at the same things but each see something very different, but I guess that's the beauty of the world:
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A Phoenix:
white might 'shrooms sea and sky
- a thing of beauty
when so many are caused to die.
less gentle waves break the shore,
shadows ghosted for evermore
burn, Hiroshima.
rise.
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Ok so when I looked at the photo it occurred to me that the sunset and reflection seemed to resemble a nuclear mushroom - I must be having an off day!.
It is a beautiful photograph, and such lovely to words to accompany it. One thing though I'm not sure the clouds really look fluffy (to me) rather more wistful?
Rgds
hobby
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What a wonderful, wonderful photo ...
It inspires me, too!
Listen:
God at Play
Being God
is more serious than one may think:
keeping the sunrise at bay;
keeping the children at play;
keeping all watercolors neatly laced
without blotches all over the place ...
And oh! That smack of sunset
lashing out at the breaking waves,
surfing to shore
with wave on wave in silvery hue
of cobalt and blue
that sparkle of Him which I so adore!
I can but whisper:
more, oh, more ...
I love You, God ...
Encore!
Myra
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