beauty sanctified
serenity secular
extremes of opposites…
enshrouded within a sacred
journey of disenchantment -
a hopelessness disregarded
impounded within a pained
vision of incapacitation –
a longing unobserved
draped within a tombed
robe of enthroned beauty –
a crypt of pain
relinquished within a silent
affliction of nature’s embrace –
a sacrifice of love
beauty secular
serenity sanctified
extremes of desecration…
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Beauty laid to rest...
...at the center of all of life's and death's extremes, now "hallowed". This is what I sense in this very ephemeral yet deeply imaged loveliness of a poem, FransB. I like it - I like its music, like a bittersweet dirge, a sad hymn, a chanted lament. It has a felt sound of melancholy in its carefully chosen vowels, words and lines. I think you've successfully managed a difficult task: to write in universal images yet evoke in the reader some very individualized emotions of loss; yet the loss, for all its pain, is sacred in its own secular way. Very fine.
The repetitions of "extreme" and "within" are just right, adding up to deepening layers as the poem moves along. And the three-times use of "serene", once as "serenity", pulls the poem's airy images into a glowing unity. Also, that fourth stanza could easily stand alone as its own poem; it's a gem. And the entire poem has a feel of bare haiku - touches of watered paint on paper. That takes skill; I admire it.
My only suggestion (merely an opinion) is that the use of "serenity" in the 5th stanza might take away from its later power when used again as "serene" in the final stanza. Perhaps, instead of "serenity" in the 5th stanza, "embrace" or some such? Then, the "serene" of the final stanza would really hit home with greater strength? Up to you entirely, of course.
I get one more resonance in the poem: "serene", and its derivitives, is an essential element in the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer, and - really - for anyone, including me, struggling to learn an acceptance of "extremes of opposites...extremes of desecration." Altogether, for me, the poem is a marvel of expression of what's very nearly inexpressible.
Exceptionally searing read for me, FransB. Sincere welcome to the site!
Lad
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Dear Lad, some mornings I go to work early, and there I am able to spend an hour to browse AP and even attempt to put word on paper. It was like this the morning I wrote 'Hallowed' - promted by a 'feeling' someone said in response to another poem of mine. The words of this poem just flowed that morning, and what you see as what come to 'past' in just a few minutes - but I could feel it was 'right'. Thank you for pointing out 'serenity' for me. It takes another teacher to teach another! I shall take your suggestion up immediately. I know this is pushing it, but if you have time to assess some other of my poems, I would grately appreciate this. FransB.
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erosmia
Just wanted to react. I try and write a poem the first time. I usually get this right from the word go. I pour my 'heart' on paper and do not struggle with wording. I am also a social scientist, with many years of dealing with the pain of people. I have had my fair share of that, but have been spared much of this and can therefore never compare mine to theirs. I view myself as a scholar of feelings and of life experiences, and this is what I write about. For sure, persons such as you let me know by their comments that I sometimes het it right. Bless you for the comments you made. FransB. -
I feel as if I have found a sister.
Thank you first for writing this profound moment of beauty. But more so you have wisely made no attempt to explain away or impose a "meaning" on the images.
One can allow the phrases to wash over one's frame of reference and either one has had this or a similar experience or these are just lovely words strung together.
Do you struggle over each word or does your poetry flow fully formed onto the paper?
The third verse I find particularly moving. One needs to have been confined and nursing a unbearable pain to write that. I hope that I am wrong for you or that you have passed beyond that stage or are healed. Maybe I am seeing too much of myself in your words.
This is a very lengthy way of saying how much I admire your poem.
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thank you for your comments. Tried to get you to chat with you. Perhaps busy somewhere. I will try to answer your question in the 'chat'. Thank you for your time.
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