What you did hurt me
Burned me
Hot as ice
Left scars
So deep
I shall die with these unhealed
I am too old to try again
And had you taken
A blade
To my flesh
And carved your name
On my heart
You could not have hurt me more.
There is nothing
To be said
Words are useless
As are my tears
You have rent
The fabric of my life
Spilled my future
Into fragments
Into sand.
Shame visits me
Each morning,
curving shadows in my dreams;
in my mirror
I see myself no longer
But through
Your derogatory eye.
But that is not the worst thing.
The worst thing is
In the end
All I desired
Fought to win
All I loved, bought dear and dreamed on
Even my innocence
Was delusion.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I enjoyed reading this. The lines are very slender though, I suppose in line with that struggle to slowly bring this out. I prefer the parts with those stark images. Most times adjectives help make a piece move forward. Other times they are empty or of little help. You definitely have a good rhythm going here.
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very very good...i love the last stanza....not so much the first...but the last was simply amazing.....
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I enjoyed this reading. I think you should combine a few lines together to make the flow better, such as "Left scars so deep" and "There is nothing to be said". But that's just my opinion. Other than that I really liked this poem alot, I can sense the wisdom in this poem about love, won and lost. Also I don't think you need to start every line with a capital letter, just throws you off the poetry...I like it though
MM
language: 4, rhythm: 1, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 2.
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I have taken the caps comment esp to heart
...and am thinking about that more, at the time I wrote this I was thinking more about the weight of the first word in the line but I am changing my mind about this after reading so much other good stuff on this site - thanks for the comments and the read MM Best RA
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Cathartic writing here for sure and no doubt you get the point across. Your sharp eye and tongue point at yourself as much as the protagonist and that gives it weight and credibility beyond a mere rant. Tough but refreshing to read .
On a technical note I found the apparently random use of capitals to start each line distracting, more so because sometimes you dropped the practice as if intentionally but without rhyme or reason so to speak. An executive decision needed about this I think. But a really good read - and write. Thanks. >W<
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Phew! Cut into inner depth of 'what you did'. If this is for real, then the knowledge of being used is painful, but in giving of your all in faith and trust, is even worse. While this should elicit anger - your words do not show this. Its the sadness of loss never to be regained that is echoed in your words. Its as if life has been taken. The delusion is great - and even in using the word - it cannot convey the pain. I appreciate this sort of writing. Frans.
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nice
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