Hands pray for strength, lest they fall to sorrow,
bent digits clothed in worn and tired skin,
coveted loyalty engrained within.
Penetrating bone of fingers narrow
crippled, affliction in blood and marrow.
Hard labor accepted for love of kin,
dedicated, his patience never thin,
faithful to his word, his honour, his trow.
Such sacrifice, a brother's dream made real
repaid in a memorandum, devout;
commemorated past long fallen sands
his tribute, ink-sketched by stroke of quill,
this wonderfully touching tale about
a brother’s love, clasped in ‘Durer’s Hands’
I really need some help here, this one is getting the better of me!
Comments
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Ah!! How great to see another poem written in my favorite form, and a good poem too!!
Let me see if I can offer any suggestions for this piece. I'm going to go line-by-line adding comments/notes as I see so you can see how my thought processes work as I read your poem.
First line is good, the spondee to iamb gives a strength impression, which then falls to three trochees. Ending in a feminine rhyme is good as well, because it detracts from the power and adds to the feeling of weakness.
The second and third line both look good; punctuation, meter, and rhyme pattern is great.
The fourth and fifth line I don't understand. Reading it as a sentence, it would be: "Penetrating bone of fingers narrow crippled, affliction in blood and marrow," which makes no sense to me. Maybe there is something you could do with the punctuation to make that clearer, but that, as it is, is a fragment, which conveys to me an idea, but not a clear one.
The sixth and seventh line are great as well, I have no quibble with them. The eighth starts off well, but then "his trow" at the end doesn't seem to make much sense. Perhaps replace it with vow? Since your other rhymes are near rhymes anyway, vow might work better than an archaic verb. There's nothing wrong with bending the rules of grammar a little bit, so long as they don't break, but it seems to me like you're trying to stretch it a little to fulfill the scheme of a sonnet.
Onto the sestet!
I would rephrase the first two lines of the sestet like this for juxtaposing the two opposites:
"A sacrifice, a brother's dream made real,
Pain repaid in a monument devout;"
I'm not sure the meaning of the line "long fallen sands." Strands might be a good word to use in that line, if you could fit it in. Or stands.
"Commemorated long before still stands
His tribute, ink-sketched by the stroke of quill: (needed to add the to keep it pentameter)
this wonderfully touching tale about
a brother's love, clasped within Durer's Hands. (Again, needed to add a syllable)"
I hope these comments help. This poem really is good, but there are places where it could be improved. Good job and keep writing !
-Zac -
A powerful, so well written piece here. Just amazing. Incredible :-)
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Hi, - thanks!
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Bravo, hobby, for even attempting this.
And I think it's a success. I've done a couple of these things - one Petrarchan, one Shakespearean - so I know the labor involved and why it's "getting the better of" you! But brain-teasing work on a sonnet is a heck of a lot more worthwhile than a crossword puzzle, which, when finished, adds up to little more than a sense of satisfaction. A sonnet, though, well...it brings a joy of completion AND a communicated emotional expression besides. Very nice work in every line. Take a deserved bow, hobby.
You hung in there with all the traditional demands of number of lines, standard rhyme scheme and generally pentameter beats. A couple lines are more quatrameter, but such counting should rather be about what really counts: dedication to form, meaning, movement and feeling. Kudos to you on all four.
I've seen that famous ink-sketch a thousand times, and always have had a love for its beauty. You did it proud.
Lad -
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Lad,
I suspected you would see where the frustration lies in this poem. I can get the syllable count right but I can’t get the foot right and keep the wording I want. I think that the octave is almost there, but in the sestet I’m not sure there is sufficient differentiation for these lines to act as a reflection and conclusion, they seem overly repetitive. I’m almost considering a move from traditional rhyme scheme to something a little easier to work with (though I’d rather not), still it’s getting there and as always it will remain a work in progress!.
Thanks and rgds
hobby.
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Yeh, I know what you mean,hobby.
Those damnable beats, feet, meters, stresses and syllables - valuable to know, I suppose, and even to work through, but in the end, I think, they can bind us to rules made up by traditionalists who think they know everything poetic, but they don't. Not bad rules, mind you (as you know), but, again as you know, a poem has its own rules as long as it adds up to a passing of emotion from one person to another through words.
Some poets will say that's an easy way out of what poetry should be. They may have a point, but I don't think so. Like religious doctines, poetic "rules" need to be looked through to get at what's basic, like all the masks of "God" need to be removed to get at that Fundamental Mystery.
I still ponder over the walking or running or even the standing still of lines when I write, but long ago discarded the minutiae when I read G. M. Hopkins' stuff - blew me away. His (successful) insight, down at the bottom of all the rules, about "sprung rhythm" was just the salvation I needed in order to let loose.
I know that some critics trashed his idea, but I also noticed that they didn't write any poems worth a damn and probably couldn't.
So, your couple of quatrameter lines in a Petrarchan sonnet didn't bother me in the least; I think yours up there is brilliant. For me - and I'm sure for you too, being the damn good poet you are - it's the whole glow of a poem that counts, not the counts. Yours glows, and it shimmers, too.
Cheers!
Lad
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A wondrous poem on the Praying Hands ...
of Albert Durer! It is so inspiring to think that were it not for the love of this man, the world would not have seen the works of his brother Albrecht. I marvel at your poem, for it tells almost painstakingly the story of a not so well known hero.
As a sonnet I found the poem perfect and the focus on sacrifice and its resulting tribute, very well executed. Thank you for bringing to me of the story behind the art in such poetic form.
Regards
Myra
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Hi,
I find these Italian sonnets really quite tricky but a joy to attempt all the same. I think the form suits the compaction of a story such as this and really forces you to focus on what needs to be conveyed.
I suspect the thing about Durer’s hands is that we probably all know a similar ‘un-sung’ heros, someone who quietly offers acts of complete selflessness, and yet goes on day to day unnoticed.
Thanks for reading and commenting!.
Rgds
hobby
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Perfect Sonnet
I am in awe!
A sonnet with perfect rhyme scheme. Far more importantly each line makes perfect sense and the meter is not stretched out of shape to make the meaning but rather flows from it.
Penetrating bone of fingers narrow
crippled, affliction in blood and marrow.
This line alone is an example of real skill. One can see the ink sketch clearly. At first I did not think I would recall to which picture the poem referred and then I read that line. The picture returned to memory, the hands, the frayed robe sleeves.
commemorated past long fallen sands
Is this a reference to the hour glass commonly used in that period?
You deserve a standing ovation for this poem. The rating system does not go high enough.
Eosmia
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, form: 5.
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Hi Eosmia,
My apologies for a tardy reply, I've been caught up with work commitments
Thank you ever so much for a truly flattering comment. This poem is one I have been working on (and am continuing to work on) for quite some time and I just can't get it right. So it very satisfying to receive your comment, it’s a great motivation to persevere on.
Thanks again
hobby
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This is a great piece of work it speaks of a forgetton way of livin i love it keep writin bo!
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Thanks OP!
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