The first rule of Mark
Is it's all about Mark
Mark's talent; Mark's needs;
Mark's moods.
The next rule of Mark is that Mark doesn't choose
But lets all around him
Hope, suffer, lose.
The third rule of Mark?
Is that all must obey
Mark's time is precious
All others must pay;
And whatever your needs,
And whatever you say,
All must be done
At the Mark time of day.
The fourth rule of Mark
Is the best of all rules;
Mark is entitled
To make of loves, fools.
And when they lie broken
Mark isn't at fault
For Mark keeps his conscience
Locked up in a vault.
And wounds others suffer, in aid of his good
Her dreams lying tattered,
His horrors, withstood;
The years and the rivers of valuable time
Wasted, and twisted,
No reason or rhyme...
Yet
One thing seems certain
As night pursues day
Whatever Mark thinks as he wafts away;
However he justifies, postures and lies,
A beast is arising
Less patient
Than I.
Some men are ungrateful, yet truth will out;
What's owed will be paid, some in hell, some
Without.
Author notes
"Dr Suess with a Switchblade" SA Brown. This is never going to be one of my best but time to leave it now...
What are the reader's impressions of the character Mark - are they clear?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Chillingly clear, ra.
Pretty nifty tale, alex, in structure and rhyme that fit the subject, Mark, and the theme, extreme self-centeredness that ultimately turns, like a 'beast', on such people. The whole poem rings true for me; I haven't known one, single person like Mark, but I've known plenty of people who each have some degree of Mark in them. So, for me, the poem hits like an amalgam, a collective memory of many selfish bastards, summed up in one. Nice work.
Poems that are sermons (yours isn't), and poems that end with a moral, as this one does, usually aren't successful - just my opinion and taste, I suppose. They almost always have a wagging-finger tone in them, a scolding superiority that doesn't appeal to me. But this poem DOES appeal, most likely because its set-up details about this guy's conscienceless behavior are so cooly laid out throughout the poem. Then the final, moral stanza comes as a sudden and pleasing turnaround; I like that.
A couple thoughts. The first four lines of the 6th stanza go well for me until that concluding verb "withstood." I know what "withstood" means (standing opposed, resistant), but I couldn't seem to connect it with its preceding nouns: wounds, dreams, horrors. Maybe the meaning of those lines is that Mark is resistant to those realities? If so, OK, but the past tense of "withstood" seems rhetorically awkward, just to get the rhyme with "good." But its use sort of stopped my reading there, stopped the poem's easy and natural flow.
The other thought is about the final stanza. "Without" works well as "outside of", but the whole stanza might be stronger, although the poem's closing rhythm might be jostled a little, with:
What's owed must be paid,
in him,
in Hell
or without.
Just suggestions, alex. I like the old-school feel of this tale, and the structure you chose for it.
Lad
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"Dr Suess with a switchblade. " - SA Brown
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hey riveralex
its very difficult to write a poem with the cadence that tells a story but you do both nicely. however while mark is an a-hole i don't quite fell sorry for his victims. it seems conceited guys like mark have been beating me out over the hearts of women for years, so in a way i feel they get what they deserve.
dave -
i like this one alot
This was a great piece on showing how there are self centered people out in the world. and how you portraied mark was amazing. this was an amazing read.
great job.
--Torilanguage: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thanks Tori...
... catch you again soon.
Kinds regards meanwhile
RA
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I like this, riveralex.
I enjoyed the outlining of this character, Mark.
It adequately describes how there are people out there who are completely self-pleasing, who care nothing for other people's feelings or honest and heartful motivations, especially in the area of love.
This person is a user and a thief, someone who doesn't follow the idea of common decency. I guess some would rather binge on their own desires.
All of this seems apparent to me but my favourite part about this poem is the fact that you point out punishment will come for that sort of way of treating others and living. It's has a karmic value.
'Just one thing is certain
As night pursues day
Whatever Mark thinks
As he saunters away;
Wherever he dumps her, or leaves her to die,
A beast will arise
Less patient
Than I.'
This is just wonderful, every line. Especially the last three lines but the fact that you successfully use rhyme in your work, and that there's not too much or too little of it to go around works out pefectly.
It does have that nursery rhyme kind of feel to it but it's dark as well and speaks truth of reality.
One question though, what's 'Like birds trapped in lime...' mean? Forgive me if I'm missing an obvious thought of yours, but would 'Like birds wrapped in twine' work better? Only a suggestion of course, it's entirely up to you.
Anyway, I am REALLY glad that I read this. I flowed right on by with it and impressed me with the clear and honest quality. Its structure and moral lesson was also concrete and pleasing.
Good work.
Kristin
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Awesome.
Mark sounds a lot like me(a selfish asshole), less the dumping and leaving to die, and this is a kick in the ass to do better. This is terrific. You have a keen sense of humor and irony and sarcasm, my favorite triad of thought and you wield it well. I think you're cool as hell and like your stuff.
The only hincky thing I gather from the second to last line, messy flow, here's just a suggestion:
However ungrateful,
The truth will out.
What’s owed must be paid,
in Hell,
or without.
Nice work, Alex. You are fast becoming one of my favorites. Whether you care or not that this mark-type asshole thinks so is immaterial to me, I just thought I'd give kudos where I thought kudos due.
Al
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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AL, a question:
I've adopted your suggestion, thanks. I also wonder: how well do people understand the use of the word "without" to mean "outside" or is this not clear here?
Thanks in advance as I may be away for 2 weeks
RA -
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Maybe, maybe not...
While your definition is the less common, I do believe that most literary types understand the variations of definition, whether nuancing possession or preposition. The duality did pose a bit of a pause to me as I tried to figure out which meaning you were implying. I wondered if you were saying "in hell" and "outside of Hell" or "in Hell" and "not having possession of what is owed" so yeah, that line could use some pointed clarification to hone it further and avoid undue querying on the part of the reader.
Al
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