Sun silver shimmers
spewed from glowing ball
play within her guarded path.
Beneath life-giving glow
slivers jump craftily o’er
watery waves rushing sandy shores.
With rapid movements
they frolic to and fro
caressed by loving heavenly glow.
Haze of misty shroud
fades brightening glow of ball
scattering shimmers in its wake.
Veiled from silver slivers
she anxiously climbs the bay
her flock through haze to see.
Slivers of silver have ceased
their shimmer on watery shore
awaiting in silence another day.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This appears a very deep emotional and wonderful poem to me FransB and I admire the way meaning and power fill each of these verses.
It is an awesome poem of nature, of the sunlight without which no life is possible - but also it shows the ups and downs of life, the hope needed and the courage taken to always come up again from a shadow to appreciate and drink the support and nurturing of light when our path lead smooth and calm... I for myself draw very much insight from your work. Thank you indeed! Ulla xx
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Very appealing nature poem, Frans.
It's not a grandiloquent ode to the sun, but much more quietly a kind of lullaby to her 'slivers of silver' that have 'ceased' for the day, almost as though the poet has sung her to sleep.
I like its repeated play on slivers, silvers and shimmers; I believe that only a confident poet can do that well, and you did. And the three-line stanzas seem just right, to me, for a nature poem, since that mother does tend to three in so many other of her ways and means.
Would 'through haze her flock to see' be more naturally phrased (in keeping with the rest of the poem) as:
'to see her flock through haze'? You'd also get a cleaner rhyme, if you wish, with 'bay.'
But even without the slightest change, I like the gentle tone of this skillful one.
Lad -
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Lad, I made a 'compromise' - still like the see at the end.
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Thanks Lad
Will attend to your comments in the next fdew days. I love it when a poem comes together. Frans
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Well worth featuring
This poem sets a peaceful mood with the imagery set forth in alliterations and personification of the sun, even though she "anxiously" climbs. That emotion is rather at odds with the rest, leaving me wondering if it is a sense of responsibility for releasing the noise and danger of another day? Not that it is wrong to introduce at the end--just another facet of its meaning. It is a concentration of forces, spanning time until the day arrives.
One small point: in my experience it has been the moon that is silver, with sunlight starting with redder sunrise changing to gold. Minor point however, not conducive to use of alliteration!
Except for verse 3, where "they frolic" could begin the middle line, it is technically well disciplined in short-to-longer three-lined verses. Important final point, this grammar-nazi is delightted to see no errors at all! For that, three smilies!
Terry
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Dear DeeCrepit
Thank you for your comments. You should see our South African shores in the early morning - they are as I have described in the poem. You have a point with frolic... will attend to your comments soon. Thank you for your time [and smiles].
As you can see, I have made the change. The poem look good - at least I think so
. Thank you. Frans
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