i sit in his chair
and wear his clothes
i fuck his wife
and beat his children
i see him in the mirror
and grin at his weakness
i look through his eyes
but i see the world clearer than he
he rages while i weep
but carries no blame
he feels nothing
but slowly i bleed
he parades, innocent
but i am damned
he has no soul
so i commit my frame to dust
Heads or tails?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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wow this was a great piece of writing. not much else to be said. great fucking job.
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Hobby, the "i"s have it.
Fine poem from two voices of the same man, and those lower case "i"s say plenty about that duality: they don't add up to a whole "I". That's my first impression.
The second is how skilfully you've formatted this one, and how the stanzas are eerily from the same person, suffering from at least one characteristic of the schizophrenic personality: split. Another characteristic is one of your lines for each polarity:
the low-end voice: ...I see the world clearer than he...
the high-end voice: ...he feels nothing...
I've had some dealings with schizo personalities, people I've known, and those two divergent lines ring true.
Terrific poem, in my opinion, perfectly rendered.
Cheers
Lad -
wow again.
I like the italicness, it is very suited to your the whole feel.
I connect to these poems, sadly cause my mother suffered from Schizophrenia, it was one of a few illnesses that took her form this earth.
Its such an interesting but daunting thing, the split personality, being one person yet changing to a completly different person, so quickly, What do I think of it all? lol
These 2 poems have now become my fav's of yours and will stay in my mind for a while im sure
Is there going to be a part 3? I would read another part and another and another, dont know why except maybe how much your words in these really do pull me in.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 5.
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The novel form really works well
Wow. What a totally novel 'form' here and how poetically fitting to its subject matter. Hearty congratulations on the concept, Hobby. It works tremendously well. I wonder is there some way of clearly identifying these two poems as the matched set they are, though - clearly neither would quite stand alone though each is an excellent poem. I intend to copy and paste them to see how they look 'stacked' before giving my final impressions. But I am already convinced that this is work of your usual high calibre - with a twist. I am not familiar with the real nature of schizophrenia but this seems a rather stereotyped interpretation of the disease. Is that to suit your poetic purpose, or do you have more intimate knowledge of its nature?
A novel, interesting, excellent write. >W<
P.S. I did that little excercise, and the italicization of different stanzas does the job very well as a stand-alone 'flag' of your intentions. It may be less confusing too, as some may overlook the 'parts 1 and 2' as I almost did, thinking the 'note' had been sent on the double as 'notes' sometimes are. Whatever - this is a good write. Congrats. >W<
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Hey Windhover,
Thanks for the feedback - I'll consider the revisions you propose - I agree there's a good chance that they may not be read as a pair.
You bring up a really interesting point on the stereotypical portrayal of schizophrenia,
this poem was borne from two things, I was wanting to write a piece on Bi-Polar disorder and some research I was doing on domestic abuse.
It occurred to me that the stark change in a person’s personality often seen in domestic abusers may have it’s foundation in a psychosis such as schizophrenia and that the stereotypical ‘voices’ (rage) may be resultant of internal conflict.
I couldn’t get the Bi-polar piece going but decided to go with the domestic abuse and stay with the theme of ‘duality’, I chose the common split personality image to ensure the poem would remain accessible.
As a side note – I noticed you re-posted ‘High’ I remember commenting on the original and re-reading it now, I am still taken with that opening line – superb!
thks & rgds
hobby
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How interesting (and coincidental) that you should be writing about bi-polarity while I am re-posting 'High'. The actor and racconteur, Stephen Fry recently fronted a documentary for TV about the condition (with which he is afflicted and which has almost caused his suicide). The ultimate key-note of his take on the whole thing was that virtually none of the sufferers would accept a cure if it was offered.
The similarity between bi-polarity and 'split personality' is easy to identify. But I suspect they are clinically rather distinct.
No matter - for the purposes of the poem , schizophrenia works best.
Regards >W<
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