I've been put on hold, paused,
slowed, fixated and removed.
The thought of you reminds me
of something bright
burning terribly miles away,
living in flame and evolving
only into ash.
Either way you are to look,
the picture’s still the same.
You are far, but I am further
knowing that by no means
do you burn for my existence,
and mouth my name to the wind.
By no means do you
find my boldness adorable
and my persistence cute,
I'm just a pest
irrelevant yet absolute.
I suppose it’s my fault
asking for the impossible
telling myself it’s just
an obstacle, I can do this.
I can do this.
But I’ve bent and broken
myself in two, thank you,
in an attempt to overcome.
In an attempt to rise above.
Instead I found the child
I've been crying for
during an intoxicated,
self-hating night
and the pain of realisation
was unreal.
It lives right here,
in the bull’s eye of my core
and I never knew it.
I never knew it.
So with my finger pointed
at my own chest
I’ll ask you to tell me
what I do best.
‘Playing dead,’ you’ll answer
with bullets for pupils
and you’ll pull the trigger,
have a drink to my health.
Author notes
I'm trying to not make this extremely cliche or 'woe is me' so any helpful criticism would be great.
This is a reflection of a hurtful relationship, lots of alcohol and my current disposition of not being able to write new or 'good' poetry.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Thank YOU for sharing your work with us.
Some would say change isn’t always good, but in a poetic sense it kinda is, cause one explores the diversity of one’s pen.
This one...it touched me. And as you said you’re thankful for those who read and couldn’t directly relate, but still gave an honest hard look...I’m as thankful that you appreciate my comment.
Take care.
Zorro Curacao -
Well I just wrote a poem in similar circumstances... "hurtful relationship, alcohol, and no new, good poetry" So I guess I can say that I do relate to it. And I understand the sentiment of not wanting to write a bunch of cliched lines.
About the poem... well its not cliched. Thats for sure. Guess you could be less wordy. I think a shorter poem here would work better. Just my thought. I also understand the want to write and write just to get things out. Suggestion is do that. Also write a shorter version of the same to get the poetic skills warmed up again.
Cheers.
HM -
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Thankyou :)
But personally I feel that making it shorter would make it even further simplistic and perhaps even make it seem like this ends to abruptly all together? I'm not sure...
I'll consider your point but while writing this I felt it was too short and that it came and went too quickly. Can't change my mind on that.
Thanks though
Kristin -
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I agree with you. And I felt exactly the same thing when I wrote my poem. But I thought for myself that maybe a shorter poem where I could say more in lesser words would involve me more and not leave me feeling of coming and going too quickly that you talk about. I don't know if you get that. Am a bit hazy myself right now
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feelings through words...is this right here.
wow...
i'm left pretty speechless. aftr reading your notes and the poem once more...i seriously am left speechless. in relationships or one like yours i haven't been, so i'm not able to comment on that.
but the poem itself on the other hand...
one can kinda feel what your experiences felt like to you. your ability to carry out feelings to others with words and the way you did it is remarkable. it isn't using the most difficult expressions or stuff like that, but the mere simplicity of it strikes the reader well enough.
lines like the last 5 of the second stanza(starting at by no means do you...) really show that it's really over. something i can relate to, something many more can relate to i think.
"i'm just a pest/ irrelevant yet absolute"
the last two stanza's...
the first is like realising...no, it is realising/hearing the inner voice; the inner self. when feelings just come rushing towards us, like waves from a storm. nothing fancy about your choice of words or tone, but it works quite well. beleive me.
damn. this was a heavy one. it...i'm in awe. heavily loaded with...whatever it's loaded with. but it's a good, very good read.
and by the way, on your note about not being able to write new or 'good' poetry. to me, this is quite good. what i always tell people when hey're loaded with feelings they're trying to cope with, let a piece of paper carry the feelings for you. hopefully it worked for you, cause the poem for one turned out quite well.
and about new poetry...i think, when you've finished getting over this experience, new inspiration will come to you. i'm sure. so hang in there. all the best.language: 3, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Hey there, ZK
Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
I agree that most of the things I've submitted here lately have been quite simplistic. I sort of drew away from the complicated, filled to the brim with metaphors kind of poetry. Though I can't say I won't ever go back to that kind of style either, it should always be changing.
I'm pleased to hear that I've made you speechless with my approach even so and that you, the reader, may not be able to directly relate but can still give the product a good honest hard look and for that I sincerely thank you, really.
I appreciate the positive feedback and yes, I will hang in there.
Again, thanks so much!!
Kristin
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"‘Playing dead,’ you’ll answer
with bullets for pupils
and you’ll pull the trigger,
have a drink to my health."
Each time I read that I like it more.
It seems every time you write you delve deeper into yourself then before. A type of soul searching, and the more you understand yourself the more you also seem to understand the people around you. Its an insight I wish I shared.
While I understand its relevance I feel that the first line kind of stumbles out "The thought of you" seems to fit well enough as a first line, but I like it all the same.
"knowing that by no means
do you burn for my existence,
and mouth my name to the wind."
This is another line I really like. You've always had a knack for capturing emotions and expressing them with ease.
Keep up the good work
-M
Se
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This is really great. Im in awe =] I like how you described this person as, "something bright, burning terribly miles away." It's basically a simile, which I love to see in poems, but I don't think it is since you didn't use the 'like, as' thing that middle school teachers taught. But I really enjoyed this =]
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Well thankyou, Raichel, I'm glad you enjoyed this and took some time to comment. Nice of you
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"Overcome...and rise above..."
That's the heart of this beauty as I read it, Kristin, but I see that it's a fragile heart when I read:
"...you'll pull the trigger, / have a drink to my health." Not a nice guy who'd do that to you by saying that your best is "'Playing dead...'"
The whole poem, for me, has that similar authenticity of the present that I've found in all your work, K - a richly honest self-awareness, a melancholic tone, and - despite that final stanza here - a sense of personal strength.
Yes, I find that last stanza, beautifully written, to be on the melodramatic side; it seems to contradict your usual lovely, although tempered, hopefulness. BUT, there's nothing wrong per se with melodrama in a poem, especially when it's so strongly written as I think this one is. Some of the very finest plays and films are in the melodrama genre, so why not poems too? I don't mean that you should by any means change that stanza; just giving you my feelings that it arouses in me.
I also like the repeated lines that center the poem; they seem to keep it from running away from you - that's fine formatting. They also tell me how deeply you feel this misery of self-effacement and rejection, so they work on a deep emotional level as well.
The title seems a bit weak to me; doesn't carry the weight of the poem, although I notice that it's expressed in one of the lines. I wonder...would "Endgame" work? Just a thought.
I really admire the skill and open-heartedness of this one, Kristin, and its appropriate length. Fine write!!
Lad -
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Thanks, Lad...
...for keeping your promise and checking this out, although it's not quite 'new.' It's an old piece that I fixed up a bit.
And thankyou for your insight that I always value.
I'm afraid I haven't been myself lately and I see that you even picked that up to. Do you every miss anything?
And oddly enough, (or perhaps not so oddly at all) I like your take on the title change more than what I came up with! Will change, thanks again,
Kristin
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Titles are by no means unimportant
Hi Little Flower. Sorry to hear you're feeling slightly 'blocked' and negative. But I found plenty of genuinely poetic thought and language here. I particularly liked
'burning terribly miles away,
living in flame and evolving
only into ash.'
and the repitition you used on 'I can do this' and 'I never knew it', the repeating repitition integrating the poem nicely.
If I had a reservation about the poem, it was that it felt a little longer than it had to be, that you were rambling a little as you reflected. I also thought the title a little weak and lacking a really definitive connection with the poem.
I copied and pasted it and trimmed off what I thought could be trimmed without losing the meaning of the poem. I've highlighted your thoughts on 'burning' and changed the last line to reflect back to that (very strong)thought early in the poem. On foot of it I offer a suggested new title. I'll message it to you for your private consideration.
My Best
>W<
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