red,gold fell from the bow
sparkled across the brook's flow
a glimmer shined where fruit sowed
a ripen, ruby red nestled beds adorn
and fumed its fragrant cider borne
where poppies pollinated
Comments
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heylo
well I thought the imagery in the poem was great, it just didn't give me the nice cooling feel of the fall/autumn coming in. For me that's the best time of the year in Wisconsin and myself feel that this poem about the fall is a big understatement. The fall has so much more to offer, but you could have been trying to be concise, if that's the case...kewl. but if not, then I definately think you could/should add some more to this, add some more colors, especially when your talking about something so rich in color it's kind of offsetting if you start the poem with the only two mentions of color in it. Ohter than that I think it could become a really really strong vivid poem if you would work on it, but that's just my opinion. Ms. Kiddy liked it and she's alot more experienced than I, so it's just a matter of taste. Hope to hear from ya soon and hope to see some more of your poems,
TTYL
MM
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 3.
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A perfect capture...
Autumn scene is well captured...
Lines 1 and 2 : 'red, gold fell from the bow' - a kinda tight writing; 'sparkled across the brook's flow' - spontaneous, simple rhyming... good work.
I really loved this poem... Keep writing...
lolz
kiddy
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