Staying close at her side as life seeps
into grassy verge, he covers her with apron’s cloth
in hopeless sorrow’s loss.
The hill’s steep had tapped her strength, only
a stone’s throw from hospital’s care, leaving him
behind in utter despair.
Clouded by callous judgment, passersby
take no heed of his pained desolation; with apron
in hand towards soul’s togetherness, he alone will climb.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This is a whole short story. Having trouble with the site so can't comment more
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I appreciate the attempt. Thanks.
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Working now so I'll resume -
One thing I like in poetry is economy, for me less is almost always more. When someone can put life and death and a whole cast of characters with their histories - implied - I find it the most engaging kind of work. Personal taste, of course... this piece achieves that; very satisfying. Best RA
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This is such a sad piece, though thats the obvious intent. A near miss to save a loved one, then, the struggle to move on once its "over". You've done such a great job of making your audience feel what you intended, I applaud you.
This poem has a morbid beauty to it, very well done indeed.
-RD
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Frans, I surely feel the sorrowful tone of this poem of a loss to death, and that tone is enhanced, I believe, but the poem's use of long O sounds (close, hopeless, sorrow, only, stone's throw, no, soul's, alone); nicely done with just right assonance.
The poem doesn't reveal who or what died on that hill, but I still feel the loss of what or who has gone. And that "with apron / in hand towards soul's togetherness" is a very tender image of the poet holding the lost one close to himself.
A lonely poem, Frans, but that's exactly what I believe your intention is. Good one!
Lad
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