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D.C.Scarlett

The simplest touch from you
sends me into "awe".
Your kisses show you'll catch me
when the world has turned against me.
The way your hand carress' my skin
sends chills down my spine.
When you look at me
with those eyes I love so much
you melt my heart and again I'm yours.
You've been there for me
every time
I needed a shoulder, or just a sweet kiss.
Your eyes, they show I'm the only one
Your touch has proved much more.
The days you've left me
unfold in your arms
and the closer you held me
mended my heart.
The way you tell me that
when I cry you feel as though
you are drowning in my tears
takes away my worst fear
Afraid no more of loosing you.
The way you've whispered "I Love You"
in the dark, has shown me it's with your heart and soul.
Every time you are hurt
I hurt three times more.
The way our hearts beat in that sychronization
that's what's shown me we're made for one another.
How, with words so sweet,
you can instantaneously take my breath away.
The way, not even three minutes after you leave
I begin to miss you.

Please be critical! I like it when you tell me EXACTLY what you think

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Reviews


  • Lad silver member
    October 29, 2007

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    Good for you, Broolyn! And this love poem packs it all in with its plain-out and heartfelt feelings. The poem moves along nicely, adding image to image, keeping its interest for me as a reader. I especially like those final two lines with "not even three minutes after you leave / I begin to miss you" - great strong way to end this song of love.

    You might want to consider removing most of the commas at the ends of lines, as they don't seem, to me at least, to be needed at all. Might help the poem flow even more with its feelings. Up to you, of course.

    Pleasing read for me, NY; you're a lucky one, no doubt.

    Lad


  • Riveralex gold member
    November 30, 2007

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    This is a beautiful evocation

    of all the feelings love brings: delight and fear all mixed together, sweet and hurt and healing. You write of the feelings very well and sensitively. It's lovely.

    On a technical/learning front: it seems to me like you write straight onto the page by the sound and then don't spell-check or edit closely - and I think that may weaken your work... I suspect it could help you to reread it at some pioint, and consider very closely at times exactly what you mean to put down: this piece seems ambiguous in places and I'm not clear that's intentional - for instance,

    The days you've left me/ unfold in your arms

    I'm not sure if you mean "left" = "departed" or meant "let" = "allowed me or encouraged me" and it does matter to the sense which one you mean UNLESS it's your intention to be ambiguous.

    and the use of the word "loosing" - I suspect you mean "losing".

    Both these phrases are similar to ones that are in common vernacular usage but only sound like the ones you mean. So either reading them aloud to yourself or someone else or re-re-reading them critically might catch them.

    Or you can just write for the sound and none of this matters!!!

    As a poetry reader, I find it most satisfying when words are like arrows - straight on-target. But I applaud this piece for other reasons, and like it a lot.