So you are still here.
I wondered so many times
Death, won’t you die?
|
Author notes
Dedicated to My Lost Sister
It isn't a 5-7-5 kind of write
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
sorry 'bout that. does she haunt you?
-
When you write
such a short poem, it should, in my opinion, be so condensed, so pressurized with suggestive imagery that you can feel the moment before the discharge of emotion that's sure to follow the build-up. Each word should be scrutinized and carefully chosen to evoke this emotive response. Necessarily, as beings of experience, the best way to do this is to be concrete. The use of sense experiences we all know associated with death, the smell of the funeral home, the "over-doing" it relative who never called or visited, the quiet mood following, etc. and while I sympathize with your loss and am as filled with good will for you as everyone else here, I'm not going to say this poem is a good one.
I hate to ask you to do this, but go back and revisit your whole experience. Everything. Use everything. You can still go with brevity. In fact it would be more powerful if it were short. Use your senses, that's why you have them. What was it like? What you've written doesn't show me anything about what this horrible experience was like for you, you out of millions. Give me this and you have something very special. As it stands, this is just abstraction and the worst kind of armchair philosophizing. Anyone could say this. Give me only what you can "show" me--your precious experience. I'm sorry if I seem mean, but I care about this art too much to say nice things when they aren't in me to say. Art justifies life and all of it's suffering. -
Very Nice
short poem, Kiddy.
Keep Writing. Very strong emotion. -
wow really nice
-
For death is a constant hence he shall not die. Death is something i've been fascinated with and think of it more as a blessing. For it is death, its inevitability, that makes man strive more while s/he is alive. Three lines expressed what concerns us most.
-iphios -
Not many words
...But a powerful meaning. The pictue makes you think of more than just one thing. Because as i read this i thought about the lingering thoughts of the death of someone and how we want death to die. But then the picture made me think of lengend of sleepy hollow.
In all it was a great read.
I dont think that anything needs to be changed.
Wonderful job!
--Tori
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
-
Oh and the picture, wow, haunting
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
-
Powerful Kiddy Powerful
These words made me think of my mum.
I so couldn't do this type of writing so I really admire how much you pull it off
Keep up the skillful writing
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
-
-
Hi Cindy...
Thanks again…
I’m pleased to receive your comments. It’s writer’s pleasure to see their poem being related to readers’ experience and thought. Happy you could relate it with your loss, and about this picture, I really used to visualize Lord Death only this way..
Love
-Kiddy
-
-
Power in a pocket
Not many words but so much power. This poem packs a punch and leaves a hole in your gut. It reminds us of a place we have been before and fear going back to. I am sorry about the loss of your sister and hope this artistic expression provides some therapeutic benefit. It is a talent to make a short piece flourish so strongly.language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 4.
-
And, sadly and terribly, Death says 'No, I won't.' In 14 words, Kiddy, you managed, skilfully I believe, to sum up all our frustration with the inevitability of being taken away with finality. This poem for your lost sister is amazingly emotional and completey restrained. I think that's why it hits me so hard.
Wonderful writing! My condolences go to you.
Lad -
nice presenation
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
