A shimmering opaque shadow
dancing in cracked, broken digits,
unleashing her mystical maelstrom.
My weary soul blindly abides.
A healing, comforting,
calm and burning poison
draws muted laughter,
hidden smiles,
and invisible tears of truth.
Conversations surround me
while images assault me
and all are enraptured
by the flowing sorceress.
Channeled from mystic to master
and slowly absorbed
without notice from the room,
a spy among spies.
Snowy, shattered troubles
drift to the heavens
mixed with specks of shattered dreams.
One wave floating
on this sea of solace
soon to be replaced by another,
each one unrelenting and numb.
The spell renewed, it's welcomed in
as the watery sphere marks her place.
Shouting, screeching demons
silenced
as softer, darker ones roam free.
Still, dreams and hopes mingle about
unchallenged and unharmed
as my purveyors of strife find peace.
Peace in mind, peace in heart,
the enchanting spell commands...
I accept, my conscience reduced,
a willing victim of her lies.
The fly in the web, the boyish prey,
chained to mahogany and brass
until my timely release.
The call from beyond,
the call from above,
brings sudden awareness of time in this place.
The mysticism drained,
and my dented perch abandoned,
her spell is carried with me...
only to be gently,
efficiently,
though gradually
extinguished by the
cold wind,
hard rain,
and bitter,
inescapable
frost
that drives me to her lair.
Author notes
A quick write on a subject I always aspired to write about. I had the rare calm night here so I figured why not give it a whirl. Forty minutes later, here is the result. As always, your thoughts and comments are appreciated.
** Title changed from "An Amber Pause" to "A Pint of Amber" after getting some helpful suggestions. =)
So... what do you think?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Given the most part f subject os about drinking a pint of beer, this to me is very deep writing...you dug deep for some strong wording..This has an effortless flow to me Mark..I kinda wanted more hehehe, at least feel like I could have kept reading.
What an ending
...that drives me to her lair...Booze fuelled lust...I miss that one lol..but then again has bene a few times with Matt I have gottten a bit wasted and a lot more sexually open and lustful ( shhhh, don't tell anyone hahaha )
I am in awes you wrote this in 40 minutes this would have taken me like 3 hours & I would have kept looking at it reading it over making sure...but thats me lol...Trying to be perfect to often
Awesome write Mark..to me you need to hold yourself in higher regard then I think you do in regards to your writing...you have such a gift
Cindy
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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I do hold myself in high regard as a writer, but more with prose than poetry, or things like letter writing. The lack of confidence I felt in poetry, I believe, came from my exposure to poetry. So often I would read celebrated or published poems and have NO idea what was going on in those lines. Yet, I would read poets like Kipling or Langston Hughes and understand entirely. Perhaps the "judging" of poetry got skewed somewhere along the way? Either way, I convinced myself I could not do it. Then I was bored one day, found this site, and said to myself: Let's see what happens. I really appreciate your kind words but give credit to you and all the others on here. If I have a gift, and if people are enjoying it, it is only because many kind and encouraging poets on this site helped crack that shell for me and push me higher. So thanks to you, and everyone else. =)
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Wow, this is great, I love the language and it has a wonderful sense of continuity to it and reads like it came very naturally to you. I like the imagery especially at the start and the illiteration which occurs throughout your poem is also very effective.
"A shimmering opaque shadow
dancing in cracked, broken digits,
unleashing her mystical maelstrom"
The depicts the way the mind can be bombarded with thoughts and impressions very perceptively. The language is really beautiful in parts and brings everything you describe to life. An amazing write!
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I am not sure but I believe yo are talking about a drinking a pint of beer? Very insightful with you talk of "her lies"......."The mysticism drained,
and my dented perch abandoned,
her spell is carried with me..." yes that is what it felt like to drink.........being carried away for a time and then having to face cold reality. This verse is majestic...a simple action examined with all its ramifications..well done! LD -
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Cool...
Many thanks for this review! Yes, it is about drinking a pint of beer alone at a bar... focusing on the drink, but silently reflecting on your own self while also observing the scenes and individuals around you. I am glad you saw that in the poem and appreciate your supportive words!
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Wicked
Thats really good; i like the shortness of the lines because it makes the poem flow really well;language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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hey mark
i agree with the other comments, couldn't crack the code here, even after reading your authers notes, whats the subject? also the title, it doesnt cue me in, as to what the poems about.
dave -
For me, this one gathers enchanting and seductive language, Mark, into a kind of mystical spell. I sense the poet enthralled yet imprisoned by something in the air that enters him and holds him captured. Then, when he escapes, the "bitter, / inescapable / frost" in him drives him right back to her prison. Perhaps this is a poetic take on watching TV at night? or sitting before a computer screen, mesmerized by its messages?
My thought on this piece is that maybe it's more a pre-poem of feelings and thoughts that need to be disciplined, centered and sharpened into a poem. I say that, even though I love its language, because I can't seem to get hold of the poem's subject, so it seems that all that very fine language doesn't hang together into any solidity. Hmmm...that could be my fault, although I think I'm a fairly attentive reader. It's just that I get the feeling that the piece is a VERY private one to the poet, while it keeps the reader outside of itself. But that might have been your intention?
Just my opinion, of course, Mark, but perhaps it all needs some strong editing and an opening for me to go into in order to get hold of it. But what I DO sense in it is an excellent pre-poem that could be on its way to an even more excellent poem.
Sorry, Mark, but that's the best I can do.
Lad -
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No need to apologize at all! I thank you for the very thoughtful and helpful critique. I was intending to keep the subject more of a mystery but thought readers would still identify it... you are not the only one who hasn't grasped the subject. It is interesting. Finding that fine line between writing to literally and writing that where the subject is too disguised seems to be a challenge for me. I am anxious to see if others continue to struggle with the subject so I won't post it here but I'll send it by PM. Thank you for taking the time on such an insightful review, though. It is much appreciated.
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I'd say you've got the hang of this "elliptical" thing
My favourite part of this is the end - I love the language and the way the lines are pointed from "... to lair", particularly the last image, very hard-hitting and appeals poignantly to direct experience: cold wind/hard rain,/ and bitter/ inescapable/ frost - INESCAPABLE frost?? - wonderful. My least favourite is thing is not any particular section of writing but that I can't quite understand what your subject is. So I keep reading, which is equally a hook and a frustration for me. So you are playing with me - that seems legit to me, yet do I like that? The hook remains in place.
Rewarding.
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 2, tone: 3, form: 2.
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