A rusty old bicycle,
draped in cobwebs and dust,
lies dormant in my shed,
longing to ride again.
Author notes
A contrarian play for my brain. I always feel this need to draw my poems out and extend them, make them longer. I recently saw some comments on the ability to take a simple image, present it in just a few lines, and generate some deeper feeling or subliminal message. I thought I'd take a stab at it, just for fun. I'll be intrigued to see if people see anything in this or if they just see a short, plain set of words. I am also curious if I used "lies" correctly, since I am eternally plagued by "lay" and "lie" as verbs.
So... what do you think?
Comments
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It is a metaphor
that treats a thing as something very different. The bicycle in this case is a special kind of metaphor called a personification which (surprise) gives it human feelings in this case, thoughts, even actions. Clever, really.
Terry -
About lie and lay, chickens lay eggs, so you lay a book (object) on the table. Transitive verbs need objects. People even lay carpet.
To confuse further, NOW you lie on the couch, reading. No object.
BUT yesterday you lay there, asleep.
Then there's telling a lie, he lies all the time, quite different from he lies around being lazy. Add to that, the lay of the land. No wonder people confuse them.
Easier to remember it through these examples.
I hope that helps.
Terry -
Love the title that was great advice you took MArk and that >W< gave
If you were worried about your smaller amount of words not packing the punch...you should never have been...this is just wow..it does say it all so well to me..Others have let you know bout 'lies'..which is good..nothing wrong with wondering if were right or wrong bout something...Glad you were right on this one Mark.
And you just succeeded in so many with this..so poetic..great wording giving forth great imagery..
One small thing..ignore if u want lol..is that to me being its a bike makes me feel like wording wise would be better as longing to be ridden again...As etchnically its ridden and we ride it lol
But like i said a small thing...
Brilliant writing here Mark...I am enjoying seeing you grow and can see you growing into even more of a wonderfully gifted poet
Bring on the next write
Cin
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Once again, thank you for the review, Cindy. Not to be argumentative or dismissive, because your advice is taken with great credit, but I do still like "ride" here. The reason I like it is because it can go either way... either the owner is longing to ride again, or the bike itself takes on emotion and wishes to ride again. Maybe I am crazy... some may say the bike CAN'T have human emotion... but in this case I break down to my toddler level and hold my feet firm. I just like it... so why not keep it? I sincerely appreciate your honest suggestions, though, so by all means share them whenever you like. This is probably one of the very few that I actually will ignore... at least for now. Most of them time I will be most thankful for having a new light turned on. Now... back to my search for someone who can say "desire" in two syllables.
As for the next write... hopefully I'll have one soon. I have hit that moment in the week, though. I'll get my 4 hours of sleep tonight, then hit the ton of work with my 4th graders for Monday and Tuesday, and then I leave for Colonial Williamsburg for three days early Wednesday morning. Yep, the big trip... me, 52 fourth graders, two other teachers and a few parents. A six hour bus ride each way and two nights in a hotel. What a blast it is! I actually do enjoy it, but it is SO tiring mentally and physically watching those kids for 60 hours straight with little sleep. Being in Colonial Williamsburg truly is like going back in time, though, and immersing yourself in the American Revolution. So, if I don't get to typing before we head out... I am sure inspiration might hit me in Williamsburg. I'll be sure to bring pen and paper, ready to share anything when I get home.
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Syllables depend on where you live.
I ran into heavy flak because I pronounce it with two: de-sire. I think in New Zealand or Australia they make the second syllable like with a verb, de-sigh-yer.
Personally at times like that I avoid what I consider a localism, an accent. Dictionaries often provide help, showing where the stress goes, and the like. Oxford has no help for "de-sire" which to me means the standard has two syllables or it would be de-si-er.
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I think you can use lay or lies, but I definitely agree that lies is the better choice, it comes across as more present tense, which is important to this poem I feel.
What i got from this poem is that the bicycle is your youthfulness and the shed is your mind/personality, life even. obviously i don't know you, you could be the most youthful 30 year old i would meet!!
Thanks for reviewing my poem the other day, i'll try and get round to reading more of your stuff, i was just browsing through and liked this one enough to postpone sleep for another ten minutes.language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 4, form: 3.
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Thanks
Thanks for your thoughts, Matt. It was an unusual write for me. I just sort of wrote it without putting much thought into it, and when it was done I could see these meanings in it. I think all I had on my mind at the time was the bike... but I was pleased to see how well it turned out. Thanks again for the read and review...
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Hi, Mark. I am a great fan of short poems, and while I certainly appreciate your method for creating longer pieces, I think this one stands alone just fine as is-- though I will echo John and say, a change of title maybe-- perhaps to "Longing"? Something that conveys the mood of the piece? I like how this poem is like a snapshot. It is very neat and to-the-point, almost Zen in its mysterious ability to conjure the feeling expressed.
And for the record, yes, you used "lies" correctly.
Pie
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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I am glad...
Phew! I am glad I got "lies" correctly. It has just always been a brain block for me. I am glad you liked the poem, too. I will keep brainstorming different titles. I enjoyed writing this and like this little guy a lot, now I need to push myself to try another one or two. As I mentioned below, there is that fear of not meeting the level of the first one... but we'd never get anywhere without trying. So I'll likely urge myself into another attempt. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts!
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A change of title maybe?
I think you 'got' the point of this excercise, Mark. Your poem has imagery and, most important, mystery. Attributing 'longing' to the inanimate object immediately invokes the mystery of human involvement here - and thereby sets me wondering what this old bike tells us about his past, his psyche and maybe his history with the bike.
Accordingly I see 'longing' as the key word in the poem and I think it should be the title - which would deepen the mystery even further.
Good write. >W<
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I am no expert on short poems, but I really enjoyed yours. It reminded me of those small things you see in passing and take time to think of their feelings. ie: the bicycles longing to ride again. However strange it sounds, I think we all do that at times, at least for the briefest of moments. I also like that you left out any distinct color; my mind's eye let specks of bright red shine through the dust and rust. The poem is almost a kick-start for one's imagination.
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 5.
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wonderful
I like this. It makes me wonder if the bicycle simply wants to ride again or if it's longing to have someone that wants to put it to use.language: 3, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 4, form: 4.
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As always...
thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this piece with me.
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Sometimes short poems describing things are worth the read. As Neruda was able to write odes to common things.
The last line of this poem did it for me. The bicycle having been given feelings. It was pleasant surprise to end it there. It gives the poem a bit more dimension.
-iphios -
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Thanks...
Thank you for your review and supportive comments. It is very helpful for me, especially with this poem since I was a little unsure about it. All my best...
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I have a fondness for Imagism, so this may be coloring my review William Carlos Williams is my most favorite author ever, so when I say that this is most definitely reminiscent of him, that's a big compliment Fantastic job, especially for someone who normally writes longer poetry. I love the simplicity of these types of poems, because it's the very simplicity that makes them so wonderfully complex. Makes the poems wander around in your head for days
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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i am flattered...
Thank you very much for taking the time on this review. Simply being mentioned in same breath as William Carlos Williams is quite an honor so I sincerely appreciate your kind and supportive words.
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Personally I like this, Mark...
... may i suggest using a semi-colon rather than a comma after "shed"? It would help separate your feelings (the rider) from the those of the bicycle, which doesn't ride but it ridden... very neat, a kind of a haiku shape without the rules, good fun I think. A lot in a little. Nice one. Best RA -
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Many thanks...
As always, thanks for the critique, RA. I will let the semi-colon dance around in my head and try it out. I am impressed by the suggestion because such a small little character does make quite an impact on the poem. When I wrote it I was actually almost putting human feeling into the bike... as if it was the bike that wanted to go for the ride and not the owner, per se. I like your suggestion and see your point, however, and I will toy with both versions. You compliments mean a lot to me and I appreciate it as always... thanks! -
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Yes, what captivates me about the piece is the POV of the bicycle
... very clearly. That's why the last line jar - but only a little. And my opinion may not be "right" of course.... as if there were a "right"! Best to you
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