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The Loneliest Smoke

I remember the street lamp leaking white,
a rippling bridal veil in Christmas lights
dragged across a tarnished spoonful of pond.
Beyond, cars shred paper snowflakes, a sound
of distance, of wind. My cigarette seemed
mingled with the taste of you. With each gleam
a sigh. I’ve never been in love. Never.
Inside you watched TV, and I shivered.
I don’t know how to do this, to be this
man who borrows bodies and still misses
the worn glove smiles, the familiar hands.
I walked back in, put on my wedding band,
you didn’t even look at me. I see…
I felt like garish tinsel on your tree.

Please tell me what you think

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Reviews


  • annac
    November 19, 2007

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    the imagery in this poem is wonderful -

    "the street lamp leaking white/ a ripping bridal veil"
    "tarnished spoonful of pond"
    "worn glove smiles"

    and then combined with such stark, simple lines, like, "I've never been in love. Never."

    The combination leaves me with such a tragic picture that i feel i'm experiencing the same plight as the speaker. what a vivid and emotionally grabbing poem. well done.

  • dave ochs
    November 19, 2007
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    hey BB

    i like the story here of a man outside on a cold nite, smoking under a street lamp, i've been there.

    i'm a little unclear about walking back in with the wedding band and if you where a "playa" why the hell would you walk back in with a wedding band.

    but i like the style of a playa feeling lonely and feeling left out in the cold.
    dave

    . Rewarded 6


  • himanshumodi
    November 20, 2007
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    another one of ur sonnets? Well... you lose me in the last 6 lines. When you say you are someone who borrows bodies, who are you? Also, feel that "never"and "I see" pull down the flow of the sentences a lil.

    The way you build the lonliness in the first 8 lines is very good indeed. And I enjoyed the poem while that lasted. The rest, I simply couldn't get!

    . Rewarded 6


  • adorasmum
    November 20, 2007

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    I think I get it.

    I loved the flow of words. You tell the story brilliantly. The image of a cheating man slipping his wedding band back on before he comes home to the cold shell his marriage has become. I loved line 10, the 'man who borrows bodies' I assumed that to relate to his infidelity. I felt that you captured the sadness of a loveless marriage (or maybe just factured not yet broekn love). He recalls their wedding (lines 1-5 I think) when all was pure, happy and promising but has descended into discontentment (on his part) and disinterest (on hers).

    I liked the simplicty of the concept/the issues but the depth of language and fluidity of the words that you wrote.

    Well done.


  • Lad silver member
    November 23, 2007

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    Everything is beautiful and melancholy in this sonnet, Bill - the guy going home after a night out with a "borrowed body", back to his wife watching tv alone; she's comfortably but distressingly familiar, an old shoe.

    And this guy, smoking alone outside, has got that same guilty but satisfied sorrow that all guys get after they've been out playing in another warm spot on a cold night; anyone who says he hasn't done that is, probably, lying. The whole horrible Christmas tone to this is just what I'm feeling this season: all its crappy consumerized cheer, while underneath I wonder at all my (and their) hypocracies. The sonnet builds with a dreary feel, and then hits hardest with "I don't know how to do this, to be this..." - perfectly hesitant and self-scolding; damn fine writing!

    This try at another sonnet is, for me, a total success. It's gone far past any Elizabethan feel and is totally contemporary in structure and images. Honestly, I wouldn't touch it any more; please don't change a word.

    Lad

    . Rewarded 8


  • iphios
    November 23, 2007

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    Smoke, winter, and a realization 'i've never been in love,' sets the mood perfectly. Yes, definitely the 'loneliest smoke.' What i got from this is that idea of being in a meaningless and sad relationship. The voice in the poem needing to borrow bodies...to be someone else. Trying to live a life so dry by being some other person. It gave an image of an empty shell. Yet, he also knows this isn't the life he wants, he misses the 'worn glove smiles" and the 'familiar hands;'missing the warmth that no longer exist.

    wait...i re-read it. Living a seemingly single life in search of the warmth that only the wife could give. But the wife sees him as mere 'garnish tinsel.' And that does make for a lonely smoker outside in the cold. Beautiful poem. Made me wonder it the man has never been in love or was the man never been loved? Interesting read.

    -iphios