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she went when the flowers were blooming

she went when flowers were blooming
she went when the day was gay
not a soul was really mourning
it seemed she wasn't far away
the birds ,they were chirping
the wind chimes sang a song
with her sweet memories we
just rolled along
she was smiling and her snap told us so
the journey was long and she just had to go
somewhere she must be watching and
waiting for us all maybe someone will
give her company in this coming fall

Please tell me what you think

    : Comment:

Comments


  • Johnaustinhickman
    August 31, 2008
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    Great piece.

    How sad you relay your thoughts and actions... opening lines made me interested to know.
    Who was she? and Where did she go? And what was her relation to you?
    All pondered.

    Simple and straight use of diction, but it worked out well here.
    Maybe think about leave some space between stanzas for better appearance.
    Good job.

    language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 3.


  • marcusmoore silver member
    August 20, 2008

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    I liked the poem alot

    I thought it flowed well, except for the ending, but there's a simple fix to that, just add a comma after "us all". That way people will pause there and you will get your rhyme. OR what I would do is re-arrange the words to fit into two longer lines like this:

    somewhere she must be watching and waiting for us all
    maybe someone will give her company in this coming fall.

    other than that tiny little thing right there I loved the poem. I thought it was great. I liked the imagery you had in the poem also. Overall a very pleasant read, thank you for sharing. Hope to hear your opinion on some of my writing sometime soon. It's always nice hearing another's opinion on things, and it's always nice to meet/make a new friend. So I hope to hear from ya soon and I'll be checking into some more poetry of yours if ya post it. I see one of your poems is archived so I can't comment on that one

    TTYL
    MM

    language: 4, rhythm: 2, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 2.


  • William McGarvey gold member
    April 21, 2008

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    Interesting

    This poem reminds me of Mother Goose stories for some reason. I’m still not sure who this lady is supposed to represent. I was thinking maybe she represented changing of the seasons but a hint would be nice.

    Bill