fuck the world
idont care
no one will notice
im not there
you dont care
anymore
you just walk
out the door
leaving me here
crying alone
to face this cruel
world alone
i have no reason
for this life
i'll take what
is rightfully mine
long before you notice
i'll fade away
from this world
from this day
making you regret
throwing me away
my only wish
that you would stay
but you dont care
anymore
as i slowly fall
to the floor
ending this pain
inside of me
allowing me
to finally breathe
all i wanted
was to be with you
together we could
have made it through
Comments? Advice?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This was a deep and thoughtful poem and I can clearly imagine myself as the person and feeling all the whirls of emotions. God! I feel like this poem is short and snappy and it can touch one's soul deeply which is good.
The opening line of course caught my attention and it flowed nicely, like all the others have said. I think that is all. I really think that if it was from your own experience, I would definetely be furious and angry.
Loved it! -
I agree with the others about the use of words and the overall flow but don't be hesitant.
Some poems are meant to be this way, and if you want your words as short as possible - make be.
It was pretty good.
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 3.
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I liked the simple form you used here, being a lyricist myself. The rhymes were pretty good, some didnt flow as well as others, but your vocabulary choices were very bland. Maybe a thesaurus might help? But not a bad start to express lost love.
MM
language: 1, rhythm: 2, subject: 2, tone: 3, form: 3.
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This is pretty good, but it has a lot of errors I should point out that would make it even better:
idon't= I don't
im=I'm
I think also cruel is too common of a word.
i=I
i'll= I'll
Other then that, I just thnk you should try using less common words overall.language: 2, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Feeling your emotions
I really like this poem... But I feel like there's more to be said... perhaps another verse or two?language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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So Much Truth
The poem is emotionally expressive to the extreme and that's fine, but I would rework the first line. After the title that line is what gets the reader intrigued to keep reading and, reading other things you've written, I think you could come up with something much better. Don't lose the emotion of the expression, just express it better if you can. Bluebirdlanguage: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 2, tone: 3, form: 3.
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I agree with LD we all write something like this every now and then. And I think it is needed to take a little pity on ones self
I heard your voice loud and clear in this, so you expressed yourself through the words well
I hope you feel better and just remember that even writing it out like you have will help in some way
Happy New Year
Cindy
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 3.
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Kitten.....this is the kind of verse I call "gut plug"...something you have to get out of the way to let the good stuff come out...I have written many of these....hoep things go better for you now.....hugs. LD
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