I was once a cliched bird lighting up the sky,
I was a sight to behold,
free and beautiful, my plummage was admired
by bird watchers, lovers of T and A
Then you came along,
with a song like a lark
I leaned to your sarcasm and your cynicism,
so different from my care free ways
you stole my empty careless days
Now I am shackled in your love
and I look out of the cage
I wish that I had stayed...
...blue.
Lost for words so swimming carelessly, what does it all mean?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Very nice. I love how artfully you have painted this metaphor. Sad and disheartening, but conveyed in such a beautiful way. The progression from joyful freedom, to capture, to regret, was very clear but not overly scripted. It had a natural and easy flow. Very nice job...
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 5.
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Very strong for me
... and sad, resonates on a level I wish i didn't know. How much of our precious time do we waste in such slavery? Or its million million variations. All I can say is - I found myself again after such a period, the bird is not lost just looking for its way up again. THe promise of safety in exchange for freedom, I think it may be one of our biggest cultural lies. Best RA -
Hi, adorasmum; I'm glad I came on to this one. I like its tone of regret, done in some bright, and dark, images. As the poet subtely implies, sarcasm and cynicism can be intially exciting, something different we can "lean" to.
But then comes the theft: "you stole my empty careless days..." I know the feeling, and, for me anyway, you've done it up with style and good form here, keeping intact that strong image of a bird throughout the piece: plumage, bird, lark, cage. And the double meaning of "blue" is a fine ironic touch. Good read for me, especially the poet's own sarcasm about guys who see only tits and ass, oblivious to the woman's heart.
Ciao,
Lad -
This poem has been beautifully put together with a lot of thought, and reflects a sad situation with a lot of deep thinking. There is a change of structure half way through, a change of rhythm that reflects to me the change in the person's circumstances wonderfully.
I will never understand the people who stay with people who bring them down, and that is what I read from this poem.
This poem strikes at the very heart of my family, and gives me hope.
My daughter is with a guy who has turned her from a beautiful happy, friendly and open young woman into an slovenly, introverted, argumentative liar who even steals from her own family, who would have given her if she had asked.
The hope you show here is that the beautiful girl is still in there, still thinking, and may one day choose to escape!
Thank you.
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This sounds like
a playa that's been smitten and wishes she hadn't. Also, the first passage seems to connote a stripper. I hate to make allusions to something but may offend, but I couldn't help but wonder. You seem to have found something that speaks to your soul and has made you reconsider your position on life, you seem in flux, uncertain on shifting sand and wondering why you ever came down to land and take a look as you now are trapped with the intrigue of questioning you previous positions on life.
I think there are many parallels here, all of which I have enjoyed extrapolation. However, the one I enjoyed most is about perception and how we don't know what we're missing til we look for it, and when we've found it we wished we'd a never knew we were missing it. Longing is a terrible thing, especially when it can't be sated. I think that is the most powerful message here.
I thought this tight, concise and carefully considered; incising right to the heart of the message you intend to convey. The lean elegance is just right.
Nice work, addy.
Al
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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P, How could you say she was a stripper!!!! Oh my goodness.
Just joking. I can see where you were going with that comment. Thank you for taking time to give one of your thorough appraisals that you are admired for in the site. Thanks mostly for the praise (I like that). -
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I was once a cliched bird lighting up the sky,
I was a sight to behold,
free and beautiful, my plummage was admired
by bird watchers, lovers of T and A
"cliched" meaning 'in the business', a typecast bird. Plumage is for show, plumage is T&A, you can't see T&A unless it's naked, strippers show T&A, bird-watchers looking for T&A go to strip clubs.
I live in a town that full of 'em, strip clubs that is. Me personally, I've never been. Though I can understand the desire to have a beautiful, naked woman bumping and grinding on a man, I've got my very own T&A and I'm sticking to it. Sure, the variety of a different woman every night isn't there, but the love and loyalty is. I value that above anything else.
So, sorry addy, I didn't mean to offend but it came to mind and I think I know you well enough that you'd be ok with it. And you were and I thank you for that. Now...where was I going with this comment? What did you "see"?
Sorry, and thanks addy.
al
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Some suggestions
Hi A. You paint a colourful and poignant little lament here. I liked the idea of the 'clicheed' bird lighting up the sky though I wondered (and still do) about 'T and A'. What are they?
The arrival of the antagonist with ' a song like a lark' sounded a little too jolly for the darkness you were about to confer upon him. The word dark begs to be used here - 'your larksong dark ' or somesuch .
I also thought the the last three lines had at least one 'now' too many. Consider
'Now I am shackled in your love
and now I look out of the cage
I wish that I had stayed blue'
vs.
Now I am shackled in your love
and looking out of this cage
I wish that I had stayed
blue'
Just how this reader sees it and something for you to consider. Liked the poem and I love your new sig. image!
My Best. >W< -
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Hello W
Thank you so much for reading this one. I havent written for a while, no inspiration Im afraid. I liked your suggestions a lot and from one so skilled I had to take on board your thoughts on the matter. By the way T and A mean tits and ass, I like to add a bit of crudeness to my poetry perhaps in a misguided attempt at making it sound eclectic.
Happy new year!!!
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