my feet are happy
soft white toes spread-eagle in a chum wind
airing themselves through suffocating sock lint
oh! how they've suffered
likewise my friends
i'd forgotten how much cleaner the air is
outside my room the balance given
by clear sun and gentle breeze
keeping me just the right temperature
aye! and the chirping of birds and the rustling of leaves - nature's song
indeed i've squandered too many of these
days where i could've sat in a summergreen field under a sapling's shade
soaking it all in-
stead i've watched my hair turn gray in a building somewhere
while my solace reduced
to the remnants of a tattered beer box tossed
at the feet of a scrawny balding oak confined
to a desolate parking-lot of graceless dirt!
but today i give you company.
Author notes
written on 1/6/08
updated several times on 1/8/08
i may post the original
Pap
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Pap, I just saw this revision Featured. So...
I like it; it's fuller and richer than the original. I see you've added more modifiers and phrases here and there, and you've added four lines to fill out the ending.
But, much as I like it, I regret to say that I liked the original better - just a personal take on things. The revised one is more opulent, but, for me, the original was cleaner, sharper, more delicately impressionistic. And my taste (it's only that) found more to delight in in that original. Not to say this revised one isn't good; it is. But the original, because of its lean airiness, made me draw into it more; it seemed to have more open space for me to wander about in it and glean meaning.
This revised one has, in my humble opinion only, a feel of trying too hard to be "poetic"; the added lines at toward the end seem forced, more 'purple' than needed.
Oh well. As the old Roman Cicero used to say: "De gustibus, non est disputandum." - Concerning taste, there can be no argumentation. He's right. So, disregard my opining! and go with your instincts, your own good taste.
Lad
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*Pap cleans off his knive...
thanx for the slap,
indeed my friend, i have butchered a poem. hehhhhh. i was content with what it spoke, until i let myself be swayed by the works of more wordy poets flashing their vast vocabulary. pshhhhh! shame on me that i would sell a poem's virginity for something more "mature." blasphemy! how completely immature.
it had once effectively captured the moment. innocently and pure. not much thought. a sweetly sung musing. but i was too busy listening to that fiend on my other shoulder comparing me to the likes of others. and oh how falsely the comparisons!
i only hope that now i have not the taste for blood.
Pap
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Mature.
You've grown up for 2008. The language and tone seems to come from someone much older, but bears your wisdom.
Your editing has made it more cohesive, but you could expand the poem if you're unhappy with it.
Hit me up to discuss it, or punch me in the face. -
And the "company" is appreciated, Pap, along with the vividly real details in this poem on the inner and outer joys of a warm January. Nice work. We've been having a January thaw up here in Ohio, too, and it's a blessing...sort of a breather until the next onslaught of ice.
The poem's loose form, for me, seems to fit the content just right: long lines, unfussy about careful rhythm, a few natural-sounding rhymes stuck in here and there: all pretty nifty, flowing writing.
And that "I've watched my hair turn gray in a building somewhere" is, for me, the most poetic of lines: a look into a former and latter self, closed up inside on a balmy day. Then, the final line, the poet offering himself back to the world, warmly. Neat all the way, Pap.
Enjoy it while it lasts!
Lad -
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poem revised
thanx for the comment. always appreciated. but i'm afraid i've done one of three things: either butchered the poem, made it immensely better, or created a whole new animal, perhaps worth putting down.
i'd like to know what you think of my revisions. although i may not have the original posted.
thanx again,
Pap
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Could have tighter form and metre.
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 3.
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GO WRITE END RHYMES ! ! !
...hey, good to know. i'll consider that the next time i write some more free-verse.
Pap
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you read my mind.
I've been trying to give this poetic affliction the boot as I gray whilst sitting upon my ass accomplishing nothing of any real import. Yes, I would rather be out in nature doing what I love rather than wasting away in front of a damn computer screen. I got things to do and I hate this shit...yet I also love it. I am a conflicted man, but I do enjoy being torn between the association and input it offers. It really is pathetic. Poetry has taken over my life. Mamby, whiney, pissypants poetry has subjugated my will to writing a bunch of useless crap that is doing nothing to further my career. I'm gonna dust the bike off an go riding this weekend...after I take the kids to the park, and take my wife on a date, and finish cleaning out my garage, and replace the head-gaskets on my explorer, and finish the base boards in my house, and lay the flooring down in my second floor...etc. This poetry shit's gotta go...
Thanks, pap. Enjoyed it. Company's over-rated.
Al -
yes... nature can give the best kick you can ever get. It's sad that we tend to miss out on it so much. Poetically, I wish this one was a bit tighter in its rhythm. But guess how free you want your verse to be is your call.
I loved reading this. Reminded me to get my ass from this computer to somewhere outside.
Cheers
HM -
I can relate, as I lock myself away with my computer and my world of writing, to often sometimes. Forgetting the beautiful sun shining and that theres a beach right across the road.
We must all remind ourselves. Our writing might gives us something and relief for stuff etc. But so does the outdoors, to be out in the world soaking it all up.
You reminded me that today I should give my beach some company, my dogs and just get of my ass and get out
Thanks Papy a good write here
CIn
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 3.
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well, the sun is setting here now
thanx a bunch Cindy. i woke up in a sweat today from sleeping in my room and realized that i was missing a gorgeous sunny day. and how many of these i have missed!
it felt so great just to get out there and enjoy the blessing of nature. i feel very much rejuvenated. i even wrote two poems!
now i don't know about Australia, but such warm weather is not typical for January here in the states. but then again, i do live in Oklahoma - 30 deg. one day and 80 deg. the next.
i'm glad you enjoyed this one. and i'm sure your dogs will enjoy going for a walk on the beach too.
and again - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
PaPy
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well, the sun is setting here now
well for Australia in January hot weather is the norm lol. We have summer over christmas and January, so technically it's the hottest part of the year lol.
Your right getting out and getting rejuvenated helps clear the head and allow for better writing or simply writing in the first place lol. I use my beach for the same thing LOL.
It is sunny here today, so the dogs might get lucky later and get a run on the sand
And thanx for saying Happy Birthday again hehehehehehe
Cindy
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