I fumble in the darkness searching for words
I’m standing on your porch looking at you
I have so many things to say but I can’t speak
I’m scared to move, scared to lose your gaze
You stare at me, waiting…
I try so hard but the words won’t come
I want to tell you everything
Tell you the way I feel
I clench my fist, hating myself for this fear
You say goodnight and turn to leave
My heart is racing, the night can’t end like this
I get up the courage to ask you to wait
But when you turn and look at me
Everything I had planned to say evaporates
I desperately try to grab it, but it slips through my fingers
I manage to say goodnight and you turn to leave
I stare after you, wishing I had the courage to tell you
To tell you the truth…
Your door shuts and I stand alone
Alone in the darkness of the night
Alone in the darkness of my mind
I am torn…
Half of me says to run away
But the other pleads with me to make things right
I care so much about what you think,
I’m so scared I’ll mess this up
I wish that I could read your mind
Do you feel about me, the way that I do about you
Yet another night this question gnaws at me
I feel a cold chill and I realize I should go
On the drive home my mind is not my own
I sit and wonder about what I could have done
Now things seem so simple
I can collect my thoughts
The things I wanted to say before, come rushing back to me
I resolve to say the things I want to say
I know I’ll tell you, next time…
Author notes
This is the way I am feeling now and I tried to capture my emotion in this poem.
I just need a general critique on the poem and an idea of the emotions it portrays and the way you feel when you read it
Comments
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wordy......
Hi,
I like your subject, a universal theme, which you approach in an honest way. Your description of the feeling is detailed, but a bit dispassionate ......Your form is fine, and the rhythm moves right along. I think your poem would have more impact if you chose fewer and better words. Sometimes wordiness can cut down on impact. You can bring the poem into the present, and cut syllables. Like
I loiter on your porch, looking at you
I thank the darkness for shielding my fumbling, search for words
So much to say, I am unable to utter a word;
Paralyzed, afraid to lose your gaze
or
I am torn…
Half of me says to flee
The other begs for connection
I does bring back that feeling of frustration, and embarrassment....I also like the resolution.....a lot of poems lack the feeling of wrapping it up, which you do here nicely.
Words are charged with emotion, to flee has a more interesting connotation than running away....more complex....anyway...I hope that I was of some help....ttfn Laurellanguage: 2, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 3.
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