Forgive me if I fail to celebrate the majesty of Everest;
The mountain doesn't need my praise,
Has lived, will live, long after we are gone.
So I shall ask her, ask about the ones who lost their lives
on the path to her summit, dead or fallen -
two hundred men.
"Two hundred men lie by the side of the trail
leading to the summit of Everest."
"Each was an adventurer. Each a fool."
"How many of those who fell attempted the climb for pride?"
"Return to this world as a speck of dust,
you will stand more chance."
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Author notes
The image is from an Allpoetry contest about the mountain: 12 lines no more no less. This piece placed but i am inordinately proud of it.
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Everest! Such a haunting and whimsical place. I liked the piece, can see why it placed. maybe should have replaced one line or two about how everest is for the glory seekers, the mountain men, adrenaline junkies, rock climbers, it lures all types of people for the sake of "adventure". Good JOB! It's hard to hit full potential with limits and a deadline.
Sherry
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 4, form: 3.
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Thanks, Sherry
... I was struck by how so many went for the beauty of the mountain - which is surely is indifferent to human pride... but maybe not without an opinion and certainly not without more lessons than "endure, endure..." Best RA
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Good thought. And a point very simply made. But honestly, I really thought that some lines should have been extended slightly more. "Speck of dust" needed to be extended to convey a positive implication in a derogatory phrase. Also, since you talked about majestic of everest maybe you couldve pointed out its villainity in luring the adventurers or something. There are so many emotions that are intertwined with this poem, but I feel they are missed out.
That's just my thought on the poem. Nothing to hurt your pride... but its your poem... and my thoughts on it mean absolutely nothing.
BTW... what do you think about that line: "burn out, or fade away"...
Long time since I logged on SP. Nice to see you around....
HM -
Lofty
Adventurers are boring. The real heros live life on the coal face daily, grinding away until they are ground down.
Indeed, how many climb for pride; whatever type of "climbing" it is they do.
Ah, by the way, don't get too proud about poetry; wouldn't want you to be frozen on a mountain side.language: 2, rhythm: 2, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 4.
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Thanks GG,
I like the comment, no opportunity I don't think to get TOO proud of poetry tho one always hopes that might change... (???!!!) Best RA
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so lets cut all the crap about gallantry and get down to basics.......do you want to waste your life climbing a mountain? love it!
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i think that this piece is a great tribute to all the men and women that have made the trip to everest, those who have fallen, i think you did a very good job of that while also giving great imagery of the magnificent beas
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Very Good
You contrasted the size and endurance of the mountain with the brief, fragile lives of the men who died there in a very concise format. If everyone who does something for pride returns as a speck of dust, however, the few people humble enough to still be alive will have a heck of a lot of cleaning to do!
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There certainly is
... a suspicious amount of dust in the world. Glad you liked it - best RA
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hey riveralex
this is certainly a piece to be proud of, altough i admire sir edmund hillary who just passed,i was thinking about mt. climbers who insist on climbing the south face in the most extreme weather and we somthing goes wrong they garner all this sympathy when really they were idiotic.
dave -
nice
I've always felt that way about people that risk their lives for the love of conquest. I only feel bad for their families left behind because if they die, they deserve it for being such morons. The poem is really sharp and to the point, which is nice on this site for a change. The ideas are really different and the execution is great. The final line is my favorite part. We are just "specks" and to sometimes nature needs to put us in our place.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Absolutely the point.
ego is inadequate to "conquer" a mountain, but the people who do this just don't get it, it's sort of the Darwin awards when you come to think of it... glad you liked it.
Best RA
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Hear, hear...
I for one have never understood the need to do battle with nature. You will get your ass kicked. Period. Every time I go out on the ocean I am reminded just how small I really am in the grand scheme of things. Mountains are the same thing. I have never understood the allure of battling an inanimate object. It doesn't care, you can't psyche it out, you can't best it, it just is. And if if just so happens that it is and you isn't, you is dead. Period. So I'm with you, Alex. I think such pride is foolish pride that pits oneself against nature for no other reason than to say you made it, because there are so many that haven't. Selfish pride is a foolish thing to die for. I've been on dirt biking outings in stuff that a man with four kids and wife shouldn't, but I did it anyways cuz I didn't want to be the pussy. And so did everyone else. We men are pathetic that way. But you know what? I think we do it because when it's all said and done there is nothing quite like risking life to make you feel it so much more intensely. It's the adrenalin rush and we all are a bunch of junkies. We're drug addicts. So I guess I agree and disagree with the sentiment. But on Everest, I 'm with you all the way...unless of course everyone else is going. And by Hell I'm not gonna be the puss...
The poem was excellent. Succinct, tight and to the point. You captured both the glory and the futility by contrasting the pitiful squeaking of pride with the massive, immovable and mute mountain. No words wasted. I too, would be inordinately proud. This was very good.
al
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thanks Al
Yes, it's an irony isn't it... the agony and the ecstacy, the thrill of taking up the challenge, the struggle, the adrenaline, as you say... the lure of that. And the undeniable truth, you can't beat it - the best you can do is a experience a tiny fragment of something on the surface of the sea or the face of a mountain. You certainly will get your arse kicked if you don't realise that. It's always bigger than you, older, and it doesn't care about you.
Maybe that's the real lure: it teaches us to take care of ourselves, to survive, and that's a very valuable lesson.
Glad you liked it
xRA
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alex, this is terrific - spare, clean and sharp as Everest. I get this feeling: that mountain is monstrously beautiful and lethally alluring, and since we've been on this planet, it seduces most of us in our imaginations, and some few of us to try to conquer it in reality.
Yes, the poem is right, they are adventurers, just like all of us with any vitality and determination to go after the awe-full and nearly immeasurable height of things. And, again the poem hits it right: we are fools to think we can do it....except for those blessed by the gods, and they can be counted on one hand, if that. (All praise to Edmund Hilary.) Most "lie by the side of the trail..."
So, the poem's conclusion makes sense: wait until you are small, tiny, without illusions, and you may get where you always wanted to go, death already having taken place.
You should be inordinately proud of this one, alex. Twelve lines of sheer truth, and warning: If you want to fly to the sun, wait, be patient. The end-dust of you will get there soon enough, after you've surrendered all foolish pride.
Technically, the set-up of the first six lines works well. Even better is the dialog between the poet and Everest, with the ancient mountain having the last word. Very fine poem for me to see and hear!
Lad
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I'm glad the dialogue thing made sense to you
that was what i really liked.
Your support and reading mean the world to me, Lad. Thanks for the look in. Best RA
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Big and Sharp. How poetic is that!
I second the emotion of your notes. It's succinct, it's commanding, it's powerful.It's short but it's 'big'. It balances itself between admiration and sensible skepticism on an edge as sharp as one of the great mountain's ridges.
I wonder about the quotation marks. If they are indeed that, then you should credit their author. If not, then they are a distraction and a detraction from you masterpiece and they should definitely go.
The poem that won must have been good. But I bet it wasn't. >W<
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I really am grateful to the contest organisers...
I'd never have written it without the stimulus of the contest.
The quotation marks are there because i have written it with the idea of an interview with the mountain in mind, the writer as a kind of journalist talking to an undispurted champion... a king... a god. The Tibetans think of Everest as a woman, so....
Glad you like it a lot, I do too!
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