It’s cold in this place
A chill wind blows through
The wind’s voice is silent
Yet screams, painful to my ears
My cry for help echoes back at me
Accusing, from walls that aren’t there
The icy air catches my throat
My cry, a sob, no more
It’s cold in this place
A chill wind blows through
My own voice is silent
Yet screams, painful to my heart
My cry for friendship echoes back
Laughing that it finds no ear
Icy silence mocking me
Unheard, unwanted, alone
Reviews
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It sounds like you're all alooooooone...
in Sharepo land, an Allpoetry fish outta water. I've seen your Allpoetry familial overtures and grimaced, wanting to say 'we don't do that here' but it sounds like you got the picture. Sorry bro, we're all about the writing here, and not so much about the social. Which I suppose can be good and bad depending on how you look at it. I feel bad for you, so here I am. If you want, I will be you Sharepoetry brudda. Ok then?
I thought the poem was good, if not a tad melodramatic. I've never been keen on neediness in anyone, let alone a man, but hey, to each his own. I'll be your friend.
Hi, name is Al and it's great to have you here.
Now, if this is about your experience of being shipped off to boys school I'm sorry. But I wrote what I thought, which you can always count on.
Al -
A an errie feeling to the words Hub's
But very strong expressive writing
Wifey
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I think this is lovely and simple yet perfectly creates the point/ emotion that was intended....We have all been to that place and its great that it has been summed all so well.
Perhaps plumeister has never felt the 'silence mock him' ...Or just wont admit it.
Anyways the poem as a poem...Im v new to to poetry so cant really give constructive feedback on that account, other than i think it hits a point and creates a familiar place - to me at least. -
Very nice
I like how you put it all together, and it conveys its message well. -
I know what you're trying to get at here, and the stanzas you've written are built quite nicely. I do have a criticism, however - why all the literal repetition? The first two stanzas are a great lament, wonderfully conveying what you feel to the reader. The last two stanzas are organized in the same way as the first two, which is a great formal tool; however, for my reading, there's too much repeated. Try to come up with some way of adhering to your vision for this poem without using so many of the same words from the first two stanzas. A bit of repetition is fine (every poem needs some such idea as its foundation), but there are too many lines that are almost quoted again in the last two stanzas - the reader will think to himself, "OK, I've seen these words before. I want to read something new."
This poem reads smoothly, and it shows an ability to craft ideas into words quite well. I just think it needs some different words added on to the great foundation you've already built. You've got a good thing going here - keep it up!
January 16, 2008
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