You have ripped me down
To prove
I couldn’t handle it
I destroyed you
You stripped me naked
To destroy
My pride
I destroyed you
You yanked my hair out
To prove
Beauty was all that counted
I destroyed you
You took advantage of me
To show
I was worthless
I destroyed you
You drove pain stained dagger
To prove
I was mortal
I destroyed you
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Author notes
Any Thoughts or questions feel free to ask.
So, be honest?
Comments
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I ust admit I love it for a lot of reasons but I few things im confused about are-- Why do you keep coming back to I destroyed oyu? Are you saying you have done this so I have done that ( as in destroyed him ).
I see Papyrus has commented saying a lot of your lines are cliched, we have heard them all before etc..I would agree and disagree, reason being that sometimes one can't help but be cliche, we can't always be origanal and we can contort the message we are giving across when we have to try harder to find something more origanal sounding .
The positive in that too is that some of the lines just hold such strength -- you striped me naked to detroy my pride. You took advantage of me to show I was worthless.
Nothing can be taken away from a person expressing the inner torment.
But a poem can always grow into something better in my opinion, so my advice would be to do some work on the wording, if you come back with but thats exactl how I want it to be etc after some looking then thats okay. Give it a chance and see where it takes you the second time around
I think the stanzas a fitting size for what your saying , smaller amounts of words in lines, gives it a punch, gives it the strength it needs
I like the picture you have put with it, very appropriate and helps the overall picture
Hope I havent been to full on for you etc or offended in any way, of course thats not my intention
Cindy
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 4.
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what does this look like?
how did you destroy him?
and why are you worried about the poem sounding pitiful. it is what it is.
some of the best advice i've ever gotten is to show, not tell. yes, the picture adds imagery, but your diction should create the image first and foremost in the reader's imagination. i'm still and always will be working on this one too. also, all the phrases are cliched. "yanked my hair out", "ripped me down," "took advantage of me," "stripped me naked," etc. - i've heard these all before. "plunged the dagger" alludes to Julius Caesar's death - that's old!
structure can work, if only you'd be more original. this isn't easy, but makes the difference between decent poetry and fluff.
so there's your critique.
Pap
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