Soft cherry blossom
showers on plain concrete streets;
petals fill the air.
Confetti guides me onward
to my future and my vows.
Author notes
The cherry trees bloom in early spring. This year I got married in late spring.
Honest reactions to this attempt at a tanka form.?
Comments
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Promise...sing
... petals fill the air.
Confetti guides me onward
to my future and my vows.Perhaps this could be edited to flow :
petal confetti,
airborne, guides me onwards
into the future meets my vowsjust a passing thought …
regards Jonathan
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Great image.
This is a well planed tanka, the images are relevant and traditional. The cherry blossom foretelling the future scene of your wedding is perfect for this style of poetry.I would have liked to see the image of blossom in L3 to balance the two images more evenly. And the use of punctuation is a little heavy for tanka, (a tanka should be read in two easy breaths) the punctuation takes it a little to long for that.
Other than that, this is a good piece.
And congratulations on your wedding.Andrew
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Thank you, for both the review and the congratulations!
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