Gopher Pile

It was a secret meeting of the President
and his military chief advisor:

“Its true Mr. President!”,
the General said with glee.
“We have now developed
the ultimate weapon
with which to fight
the terrorist enemy,
plus reduce our casualties,
and bring our troops
back to vote for thee.”

“For me? But I can’t run again,” the Texan said.

“Not as President, sir,” the General agreed.
“But surely you would accept
the Vice Presidential Nomination,
second ticket with some geriatric
Presidential nominee
who could not last a term.”

“Great idea, I like it!
I can have my war
and Veep it too.
But what is this wondrous weapon?
Something of mass destruction?”

“Something that we can
mass produce with
the barest costs incurred.
Though of course, if
you own shares, I’ll
guarantee cost overruns
by at least two thirds.

“Great idea, I like it!
Exploiting the Military-Industrial Complex
is the simplest of solutions.
We get dividends each way.
If the weapon works,
I get an extra page in the history books,
and with the profits from the stocks
I’ll buy my brother some more CHAD machines.
Great idea, I like it! –
By the way, what is it?”

“We’ve named it Gopher Pile, sir.
Because the enemy has
gone underground,
we needed soldiers
with some mining skills.
But they had to be expendable,
and available in great multitudes.
Late one night
while watching reruns of reruns
I had a great idea –
why not use armed gophers.
They can fight underground,
if we feed them on steroids
and teach them attitude.”

“Shazzam!” said the President.
“Gaullee, won’t Sargent Carter be so pleased?
Great idea, I like it!
Make it happen!” he commanded with a smile.
“I could win an election
on a foundation of a
Gopher Pile.”

And so it was, and so it is
that America’s newest weapon
caused all the human
combat soldiers to come home.
Officered now solely by veterinarians
and weapons techs,
our army in Iraq
multiplies too quickly for the
enemy to eradicate the ones
they call ‘the vermin’.


James Gagiikwe © 2008