Some Useless Advice for Three-year-olds

Oppa would sit in his rocker,
suck on his Meerschaum pipe –
nasty habit soon to kill him –
and endlessly mutter: “Tante Ju ist ein Ku”.

I couldn’t figure out –
did he mean that his milk cow
was named Aunt ‘Ju’ – short for Judith?
Or did he mean that his
sister-in-law Judith was a cow?

That was a difficult question
for a three-year-old to bear.

Did I have to address the cow
as ‘Aunt Judith’?
Or, was I required to call
Aunt Judith a ‘cow’?

I solved it for a time,
sort of -
I called them both
“Aunty”.

I have learned since then
that several things
can be true simultaneously.
Oppa’s milk cow was named ‘Tante Ju’.
And,
my Great Aunt Judith
was a humourless ‘old cow’.
Which still begs the question:
“The chicken or the egg?”

But, then to my utter consternation,
I learned two more contradictory facts:
“Aunty” was the name of the ABC,
and “Tante Ju” was the name
of a German transport plane,
which apparently was a ‘cow’ to fly.

I still don’t know which one Oppa meant!

So, meine Schatzie,
exercise great care in naming your cows –
whether sacred or otherwise;
or else make very, very, very sure
that your great aunt -
unlike my great aunt -
has a sense of humour.


James Gagiikwe © 2007