I was cutting strawberries
just a moment ago--
the cold sinewy steel
gently parting the red flesh
from its crumbling leaves--
when I was bowled down
by their cornflower-laundry-moon smell
as unexpected as an August rain shower--
the sort that cause me to pull my car
to the side of the road and watch
in trapped rapture.
Now I sit here
carefully eating one per bite--
chomp munch chew squish--
and I am tricking myself into believing
that it is May
the dawn of that red-orange
blistering season when I can pick
berries seemingly from the ether.
While the night rages on outside
I'll curl up here with some fruit red as my lips
and smile rather like I did when I tasted the first strawberry
of summers past.
Does this work?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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It really works, dear Nienna... You have done a wondeful job with simple words... 'cold sinewy steel' - lovely description, it almost brought in mind everything that is chill, strong and steel like, and wondered if I ever thought about strawberries such a way...
I read between lines, and correlated it with our life and was little satisfied...
But the exact message, you intended to convey, is a bit above my head... but I loved what I understood with my three reads..
Thanks for sharing
Love
-Kiddy
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Juicy
Hi Nienna! This was flush with enjoyment and tongue-in-cheekiness which unlike strawberries in Norway, is never out of season.
Particular lines that I found especially sweet were:
"by their cornflower-laundry-moon smell" wierd mix of descriptions.
"trapped rapture" nice little internal rhyme.
"blistering season when I can pick
berries seemingly from the ether." The best in my opinion, of a crop nurtured by a hand becoming ever defter at writing with a winsome nostalgia pervading the fine fruits of her Muse.
Good one Nienna. I ve no strawberries so a libation of grapes will have to do. Cheers!
Regards
gG
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I loved this, strawberries are my favorite fruit behind oranges, which I have an unfinished poem for, but this is great, I agree with Lad about the small change so it might rhyme with "tasted" and "past", you might like that, but WHO knows besideds yourself. Yes I think it works and it made me want fruit, so i'm off to the grocery store...Enjoyed the piece nienna
TTYL
MM
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 3.
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Really neat play on 'red' and 'strawberry' and odd rain - the juice of them all. Talk about a 'slice' of life here, cut and bowled into. And I can smell that cornflower, cottony, bleachy aroma too. Nice writing, as always, Nienna, all the senses "squish"ed together. Yesterday, I cut up a Fuji apple, my favorite, dobbed a little honey on it and took in the sight and smell, so I know what a few slices can do to a poet, especially one who's hungry.
In the second stanza, the 4th line might be tighter, removing "and I am" into maybe something like "believing myself into May" or some such - just a thought. And the final two lines, I'm suggesting tighter again:
"and smile like I did when I first tasted /
strawberry summers past." Doing that, you might also like the off-end-rhymes of "tasted" and "past."
I always hesitate to suggest lines, Nenni, especially to a good poet, so those are mere and minor thoughts. The poem, for me, breathes with the light touch of hands in the kitchen, January or May, rain or shine. Nice, as in easy-does-it.
Lad -
chomp munch chew squish
Very fresh, very real and tasty.
Selfish muchacha - give me some!
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 4, form: 3.
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Ohh I like this nienna
Love the imagery & I felt like I was eating the strawberry, tasting it lol
Mmmmmm A very yummy write indeed
Cin
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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